Writing Task 2 - Education - Higher Education - Both Views

the best route to a successful career

Dear,

Firstly, thank you so much for take time to review this topic. So if it is possible, please help me review and correct my essay below.

Best Regards,

Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to a successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school.

Discuss both views and give your opinion.

In recent years, many people believe that studying at higher education would be a better approach to get better job opportunities. However, a number of opponents express that getting a job as soon as students finish school would be outweighed. This essay will discusses both sides and draw out my perspective.

It is apparent fact that people with qualifications not only likely to get well-paid job, but they also become more competitive to open the door in the labor market. Furthermore, skilled workers really need for sectors, such as economy, engineering, information technology and so on. For example, nowadays, manual jobs have been gradually replaced by robots controlled by engineers, whereas we always need specialists who specialize in their field to design, create and develop machine systems.

On the other hand, firstly, learning at university or college would spend them too much money and time, while they have to do extra time to struggle with live expense being more and more expensive. And as a result, this problem led to their downswing in studying. Secondly, degree would be not really necessary in some industries or service professions which needs manual workers. For instance, in developed countries, they always need wide ranges of labors for home services, such as plumber, cleaning carpets, and the price of these service is being increased day by day.

In conclusion, all above opinions are make sense. Therefore, it is really hard for me to draw a definite conclusion. For my opinion, the demerits of learning at higher education are overshadowed by the merits, so we should go to either university or college to get better life.

The essay has a problem with clarity. I think that stems from your literally translating your thoughts from your native tongue to English. Doing so limits the clarity of your message because the sentence formation in your language and the way the sentence is presented in English are two different presentations. These presentations cannot be translated word for word because the native tongue equivalent may not have the same meaning or it could lack meaning when written in the same manner, in English. This is the case with most of your sentence presentations such as:

...getting a job as soon as students finish school would be outweighed.
- I am not sure outweighed is the right term to use here. Maybe "more beneficial" would have brought more clarity to the sentence.

Paragraph 2 is highly confusing because you are talking about how people who hold degrees get better paying jobs, but then suddenly jump to skilled workers and manual labor. You are presenting 2 different lines of discussion, without actually creating a proper connection between the two in the paragraph. This created an incoherent paragraph for the reader. Always focus on one topic, one explanation, one development throughout the paragraph to create clarity and cohesiveness in the discussion presentation.

The third paragraph is just as confusing in meaning and presentation. The same problems exist throughout your essay. Though you did show an effort to write proper reasons and explanations, it is lack of proper sentence structure and vocabulary usage that prevented the presentations from being appreciated by the reader. You need to practice thinking in English, along with writing in English. You cannot think in your native tongue then write in English. The paragraphs will always suffer from a lack of clarity in that case.

The personal opinion is not presented as the conclusion of the essay. That should have been presented as the 4th paragraph. Fully developed and explained. You ended the essay on an open, rather than concluded discussion in this case.

There is a lack of point of view references in the essay as well. You must learn to refer to each opinion as you discuss it, from the beginning of the sentence so that the reader knows that you are not yet offering your personal point of view and whose point of view you are discussing. You could have said:

People who see the benefits of a college degree...

However, the people who completed vocational school

or

The supporters of the non-college graduate school of thought believe that...

I believe you need to work harder on the clarity of your presentations and proper vocabulary use. More writing exercises will be required for your to learn to stop transliterating your sentences. You can do that by more English sentence writing exercises. It's easy to find those exercises online and through the app stores.

Many grammar issues there...
This essay will discusses ...
It is an apparent fact that ... to a get well-paid job
... which needs manual workers
... wide ranges of labors ... such as a plumber, ... price of these services is b...
... above opinions are making sense
For In my opinion
... to get a better life.-------> a better life

I suggest checking after you finishing your essay.

Hi @Holt and @shinxg,

Thank you very much for your feedback and comments, which help me so much. I have a plan learning abroad, and I try to get IELTS band 6 by self-study. Actually, this is the first essay I do for writing task 2.

I will take notes your comments and try to improve in next essay.

Thanks,