I like your essay...
Structure also is good..
I agree with Tessy... :)
To begin with, some believe that children at their school age spend eight hours a day in the school.
... well , this is a fact, not a belief.... I guess children spend eight hours in school :) So you should present it a little differently;To begin with, some argue that children are mostly influenced by the school since they spend the most active eight hours of their day in school.
School is just like a small society where people have to interact with each other. Most of the time, they are influenced by their peers and their teachers.According to them, this reason makes the school a very influential community for the children where their behavior and thinking get heavily influenced by their peers and teachers.
On the other hand, those who
subscribe tohold the opposite belief argue that children spent considerable amount of time with their parents since they were born.
I think here you better talk about the closeness and family bonds rather than the time they spend, because you used the same argument in the other reasoning too;On the other hand, those who perceive that children bear the primary responsibility of making their children good members of society believe that the bondage between and parents and children is much more stronger than any other relationship. Therefore, children are more likely to listen to their parents and follow their advices.