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IELTS Task 2: Some educationalists argue about arts-based subject.


tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
Jan 30, 2014   #1
Some educationalists argue that non-exam, arts-based subjects, such as music, drama, art and craft, should be compulsory in the secondary-school curriculum. They believe that activities such as these can improve overall academic performance. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

The sound of art connects with uniqueness which is poured original creativity of art products which depict different soul of art. Some say that art is a must have curriculum for the second-grade school, while I tend to believe that this non-exam subject would not have a notable advancement in students academic progress.

There is a pro claim that art must have to learn in the second-grade school for improving self discipline of pupils who need additional skill to improve their sense and natural ability of art. Every second-grade school in Bali makes a decision that pupils have to take action on dance technique as an additional lesson, for instance. Dancing has a merit for balancing pupils' brain and keeping our culture. Critic claim, however, the budget which spends for buying the instruments on art can be allocated to renovate school facilities, there is the amount of art resources as much as cost to build a new class room. As a result, art is debatable subject which is difficult implemented in the school.

Admittedly, People, who join in art lesson, claim that it is notable to exercise the imagination and working together with. Take one example; musical drama community can enhance the power of imagination of all members who are forced to pour creativity and corporate with team work. Moreover, sense of well-being will appear certainly when people focus on art which will be a hobby. However, students have to realize if they involve in art which will spend much time due to create a masterpiece is needed into a sharp focus on. For example, Leonardo da vinci, who painted legendary masterpiece portrait "Mona Lisa", took more than a year to finish this portrait, but the product has been famous at a particular time in history. Apparently, students who participate on art lesson will not pay attention with other general lessons, get the bed point academic performance.

In conclusion, I tend to agree that art is adopted as a secondary-school curriculum to develop sense of art. However, providing art subject in the school needs high cost to buy art resources. In my eyes, school should consider to make balance between art lesson and other general lesson such as math and physic for enriching students' academic performance.

vijay01 3 / 6  
Jan 30, 2014   #2
you did good
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jan 30, 2014   #3
The sound of art connects with uniqueness which is poured original creativity of art products which depict different soul of art.

This is a too complicated hook and I feel it has little relevance to your topic. So it does not provide an interesting entrance to your essay :(

Some say that art is a must havein any curriculum for the second-grade school

.... grammar issue :(

There is a pro claim that art must have tobe learned in the second-grade school for improving self discipline of pupils who need additional skill to improve their sense and natural ability of art.

... Well, you have several ideas here that do not connect well with each other. Do not complicate your sentences. Write short sentences and arrange a better flow.
OP tiaDS 73 / 235 52  
Jan 30, 2014   #4
This is a too complicated hook and I feel it has little relevance to your topic. So it does not provide an interesting entrance to your essay :(

hai dumi thank for your correction, i try to create new hook. is it appropiate or no? please give me suggestion.
Some people have mindset that art connects with the uniqueness thing which is poured into original creativity and depicts different soul of art.
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Jan 30, 2014   #5
Some people have mindset that art connects with the uniqueness thing which is poured into original creativity and depicts different soul of art.

For me, this is still confusing and less meaningful. It's still very difficult to capture your idea. Why don't you write a simple sentence which is more clear and interesting?

Admittedly, People, who join in art lesson, claim that it is notable to exercise the imagination and working together with. Take one example; musical drama community can enhance the power of imagination of all members who are forced to pour creativity and corporate with team work.

You have the tendency to present your ideas in very complex sentences that would result in harming the clarity of your sentences :( I feel you need to work on this issue very seriously. Clarity is much more important than anything else in essay writing.


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