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WT2-Some educationalists say that every child should be taught how to play a musical instrument

thanhtrung97 5 / 11 3  
Nov 21, 2020   #1


There has been a debate about teaching children to play a musical instrument in school among people. In my opinion, I strongly agree with considering this subject in every school curriculum.

There are many benefits that music can bring to children's social life. Firstly, By gathering and teaching kids to use instruments and perform their favorite songs in groups, new relationships can be established among students while enjoying the class. In fact, many renowned pianists and violinists have become best friends when they found each other in music class in primary school. Secondly, due to profound meanings implied in each music masterpiece, children can gain the ability to sympathy with people's emotions. For example, many psychologic studies found children who expose music soon in their life is easier to recognize their parents upset and find a way to mitigate that feeling.

Besides, playing a musical instrument can boost children's study results and future careers. While learning to perform a song, students can recover and have fun with their friends after being stressed with books, thus enhance their endurance and creativity in studying. In some researches, groups of children who can use instruments, especially ones who have their instruments at home, almost have a better score compared to ones who are not. Teachers may discover children's talent while teaching them music. Because being talented at music is usually an innate ability, the sooner the talent is unveiled, the better the future for one is.

In conclusion, all children should expose to a musical instrument as soon as possible in school to build a good personality and get a better education.

Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,122 3263  
Nov 21, 2020   #2
Your second sentence in the paraphrased section is incomplete. The subject is missing. What do you agree with? The given statement? Then say so (I strongly agree with the given statement considering...). Otherwise, you will immediately be scored down for an incomplete sentence presentation. It will appear that there is a lack of clarity in your opinion. Your reasoning topic has something to do with the school curriculum, but you failed to properly represent that. You need to make sure that your sentences always have a clear subject, reason, and meaning when you write it. Otherwise, your presentation is just confusing to the reader and will lower your GRA score.

There is also an inaccurate discussion presentation as you have included a reference to the school curriculum and learning to play a musical instrument in school where none was referred to in the original presentation. You have altered the original topic and discussion format, thus you should expect to receive appropriate percentage deductions for these errors. Educationalists are not always teachers who are teaching in school with students. However, all teachers are educationalists. This exam tested your English vocabulary knowledge and you failed because you did not know the difference between an educationalist and a teacher.

Good discussion, bad conclusion. You need at least 40 words or 2 sentences in that section. Personally, I instruct my students to write at least 3-5 sentences so that there can be a clear summary representation of the topic, reasons, and your restated opinion. By doing that, you effectively wrap up the discussion of your essay with an increase scoring potential overall.

At 269 words presented, you should have a better chance at getting a higher score in the end. Pay attention to the areas for improvement that I pointed out. These should help you improve in your next presentation. I look forward to reading it.
tuanhoa010203 3 / 3  
Nov 21, 2020   #3
<children can gain the ability to sympathy sympathize with ...
< is find it easier to recognize if their parents are upset
<children should be exposed
I think your conclusion needs more work to restate your stance and summarize your main ideas of the body.

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