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What effects will these birth rate predictions have on developed countries


Naoki28 10 / 18 2  
Oct 14, 2016   #1
The birth rate in most developed countries is predicted to begin to fall over the next 50 years. By 2030 it is estimated that over one third of the population in most developed countries will be aged 65 and over.

What effects will these predicitons have on developed countries if they prove true? What can be done now to deal with this situation?


It is believed that many people enjoy their various lifestyle in most developed countries because these countries are rich, so they have multiple choices what they want to do in the future. On the other hand, those who want to marry cannot live with partners in order to mismatch the sense of value.

This trend connects to declining birth rate. In many developed countries, the birth rate. In these countries, the rate is 2 or less, so the population cannot be kept. It is the causes that the average age of marriage is surging and the number of possibility of childbirth is decreasing. In another view, the labor is shortage because of aging society. The longer people live, the more expensive the social security is, so many younger do not want to marry and get children because of lacking their living expenditure.

To begin with, it is easy for women to give birth to their children without retiring work. In these days, a lot of companies consider women as to be important workers. Government should assist the finance to the companies and make return from childbirth and parenting easy. Moreover, retirement age ought to raise until 70. Elder people are health because of good condition in most industrial countries. Some people lose vitality because of quitting their jobs, so companies can meet the workers' needs if employing again.

It is necessary for these countries to do measures against declining birth rate and aging society. Maintaining the population means that we can live safely and make sustainable development.

(257 words)

septiadara29 48 / 67 9  
Oct 14, 2016   #2
Hallo Naoki28, I'll give you my opinion about your essay.

Introduction:
I think it will be good enough, if you were just making the background facts in the question as your introduction by using your own words (paraphrase). You used your idea (that should be the body of your essay) in your introduction. Just give a few summary about your idea in the first paragraph.

Body 1:
There is an unclear sentence in the second paragraph for "In many developed countries, the birth rate (?)".
"In another view, the labor is shortage because of aging society". Maybe it is better if "the number of labor is decreasing/ declining/ falling".

"so many younger do not want to marry and (to) get children because of ...". It is parallel structure.

Body 2:
"In these days, a lot of companies consider women ...". It is better for using "more" words rather than "a lot of" in an essay.


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