can someone please review my essay and my question, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I am not done yet. Is this a Good essay or not for college?
Create and answer your own college essay.
My question is: With who can you act natural or feel the most comfortable with? And why?
Do you know that convulsive laugh, the one that makes you feel like you can't breathe? The redness that covers your entire face and makes anyone look as if they had just eaten one of India's finest dishes; tears of laughter that can be easily confused for those of sadness. These are some of the many symptoms that I may cause when I am with the people I love the most, yet many strangers may think otherwise. But as some people may say, "looks can be deceiving."
Ding! Ding! Ding! The bell rings and off to the next class I go. As I walk down the bustling hallway with some friends, I keep my thoughts to myself. All of the commotion and wandering eyes make me a bit nervous but my inner humor still breaks through. In watching all the rowdy teenagers, funny thoughts come to my head and I secretly smirk to myself. While walking into the classroom, I couldn't help but tune into the conversation that was being held between West Windsor's hottest bachelors, Alex and Nate . As I listened, I tried to suppress the laughter that wanted to burst out of me. They had been talking about a couple of mysterious phone calls they had received throughout the winter break. They couldn't seem to stop laughing at how ludicrous and strange the person on the other line sounded. Little did they know how small this world could be, for the very prankster they spoke about was sitting only two desks away, disguised in her timid uniform.
As I quietly sat by them, flashbacks of that same night appeared in my head. Closing my eyes, I could feel my anxious fingers scrolling down my contact list in search for my next victim. After taking precaution to dial star-sixty-seven and block my own number nervous jitters crept up my spine as I began to punch in the number. Taking a deep breath I took off my disguise and transformed into a brave Chinese waitress. "Hello?" said Nate in a curious voice. " Ehhlo dis is five Sta Pandah callin fo food peek up" I said in my best accent. Trying to keep a calm and serious voice was difficult while hearing myself talk. As I continued to try and convince Nate that his order of fried dumplings with chicken and broccoli was ready to be picked up, I kept hearing chuckles. They had seemed to catch up on the hilarious joke and go on along with it. Nate had then given the phone to Alex due to the fact he couldn't hold in his own laughter. After a while the same had happened to me and I had to give the phone to my cousin to finish off the joke. The conversation went on for almost half an hour as we argued back and forth on when they were planning to pick up their order.
A prank call that I expected to only last a couple of minutes turned into a longwinded but witty dialogue. I don't think I could ever forget that night, my cousins and I always reminisce on it. When I am with them they always seem to bring out the true clown within me. During family gatherings I know that it is bound to be a night filled with random jokes and laughter.
Your language is lively-sounding and easy to read. It was a lighthearted- perhaps a tad too lighthearted. I also didn't figure out who Nate or Alex was until the very end, and I somehow wonder if it was wise to use the stereotypical Chinese accent as an anecdote. (It might be a personal thing, as I'm Chinese myself and it really ticks me off when people do that...) If you made it just a bit more serious, I think you could pull this off quite well.
I think I would just rewrite your line where you pretend you're a waitress with correct spelling/ grammar, and then just describe that you had disguised your voice. As a bonus, the reader won't have to pronounce the dialogue out loud to get it, and your readability will go up. Yay!
