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'electricity cost increase' - Some alteration in Australian monthly expenditure in 1991 and 2001


Ester Napitupulu 18 / 25 3  
Apr 5, 2016   #1
The table below displays the monthly expenditure of an average Australian family in 1991 and 2001.
Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.


The table shows an average monthly family expenses in Australia in 1991 and 2001 and is measured in Australian Dollar. At first glance that, with the exception of clothing and transport, Australian family spent money much more in 2001 than 1991.

In 2001, turning first to electricity and water, it was the highest increase of money usage, at 60%. In contrast of this the Australian's family expense for transportation and clothing decreased significantly about 36% and 33% lower than in 1991.

Both in 1991 and in 2001, the biggest expenditure of every Australian family was for non-essential goods and services about 37% in 1991 and 38% in 2001 and others cost remained the same proportion excepted housing and electricity. The dramatic increase in electricity expenditure caused electricity expense as the third highest money cost, which was the fourth position in 1991, whereas clothing was the lowest cost of the all monthly budget of Australian family.




ichanpants89 [Contributor] 16 / 777 309  
Apr 5, 2016   #2
Ester, your essay are suffering from elaboration. It needs more sentences, which can depict all the information presented in the table. Your mistake was compressing the information into the two sentences you presented. Format your opening sentence into at least three sentences this way:

This table shows... It is measured... At first glance,...

The first body of your essay also has the same problem. If you don't serve up the information from the chart in the proper way within the essay, you will badly damage your final grade in the essay. I suggest that you approach the first body in the following manner:

In 2001,... In contrast,... Then...

Moreover, your grouping was also confusing, why don't you just compare three upper parts of the table and three lower parts of the table, instead of making it scrambled like that.

I hope my feedback will be fruitful for your future development.

Keep trying!
akbarmappiare 31 / 469 275  
Apr 6, 2016   #3
Hi Ester
Actually, you have displayed a general trend in the introduction paragraph. However, I suggest that you should make the general sentence more interesting and you show a comparison clearly. For example as the alternative sentence for overview: OVERALL, IT COULD BE SEEN THAT THERE WERE MARKED DECREASES FOR BOTH SECTORS OF CLOTHING AND TRANSPORT. MEANWHILE, CITIZENS OF AUSTRALIAN SPENT THEIR MORE MONEY IN OTHER FIGURES. (You should include the comparison sentences so that you could gain the high score)

I would give the paragraph example which would compare each figure so that you could help to improve your writing.

A MORE DETAILED LOOK REVEALS THAT COSTING FOR THE TRANSPORT IS HARNESSED MORE THAN THE CLOTHING. THE TRANSPORT SUCCESSFULLY TOOK A PART OF THE EXPENDITURE AT 70 AUSTRALIAN DOLLAR EVERY MONTH IN 1991, WHILE LESS THAN A HALF AS MUCH EXPERIENCED THE LEVEL OF OUTLAY FOR THE CLOTHING. AFTER THE NEXT DECADE, THE FORMER DROPPED BY 25 AUSTRALIAN DOLLAR, BUT THE LATTER WITNESSED A LARGE DECLINE BY ONE-THIRDS OF THE BEGINNING RATE.

I hope when you mentioned first about AB and the second is AC, you should explain the body paragraph 1 about AB and Ac for another paragraph. You have to have bravery to comapare the figures.

I believe you could improve your wiriting the next time.
Keep spirit


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