The use of electronic media has negative effects on personal relationships between people.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Using of electronic devices now more difficult to arrange. It is caused by a large number of people use it. Some people say that it has brought negative effects on people's life, especially in personal relationship between people. I tend to agree about this statement and this essay will discuss the notion.
Many people use electronic media as a tool or media to connect them to other people. The most electronic devices that are used by people are handphone with many features inside. By using handphone, users can send message, chat, and video call through particular application without moving locations. Nevertheless, sometimes some negative effects are resulted from using it. It can affect how people communicate with their relatives. Because in certain situation or attitude of using it, they do not realize what they have told via text. Whether it insults their partner or not. For example, users posted hate speech status in Facebook that they do not realize that it humiliates someone or makes someone has wrong feeling. Another example, somebody who chats with her friend reply the messages without thinking first whether it makes her friend mad. As a results, the two cases make the relationship of people break up.
Moreover, users who do not use mobile phone well and exactly, will experience the worst situation in relationship. That situation will bring persons in bad condition. For instance, users will being adverse with their friends. It makes them losing some friends. It also will affect their psychological condition that they do not expect. We also often see that someone who posts sensitive status will get bullying from netizens due to the reason they offend others clearly. Sometimes that case will lead the person to get stress and depression. Therefore, using electronic media need self controlling. Because it also spreads fast and puclic.
All in all, digital devices now become a necessary of many people. It brings many benefits in people's life. However, people must use it wisely and effectively. Since it can produce negative effect in private relationship among people. So, as users, they have to realize what they do while using mobile phone.
Hi Nur,
In your introduction, I suggest you to explain "...this essay will discuss the notion." briefly. You can summarize your ideas into a single sentence. Remember, an outline of your thesis statement is crucial for your score. You can keep dreaming to have band 6 or above if you still do this in the next practice. If you take a closer look on IELTS writing task 2 band descriptors, you will see that the requirement of band 6 is "overall progression" in coherence and cohesion part. There is no overall progression which explains briefly about your ideas. Thus, you are suggested to make one.
Then, I can notice that errors like fragmented sentences were quite noticeable. These are dangerous for your grammatical range and accuracy score. Please do make sure that errors like these "Because in certain situation or attitude of using it, they do not realize what they have told via text. Whether it insults their partner or not . , Because it also spreads fast and puclic . , and Since it can produce negative effect in private relationship among people. " Because/Since is a connector. A connector means that they have more than one clause. It needs to be fixed soon in the next practice. Try to find out by yourself and post it here. Let me check it further. Somehow, if you find out the solution yourself, you will be able to learn from your mistakes.
Hope this helps :)
Hallo anna.. it is nice to read your essay because i think you didnt have any grammatical errors. However i found some mistakes.. and here my suggestion..
I tend to agree about this statement and this essay will discuss the notion.
After read your essay, better you emphasize your idea in your thesis statement. Let me to try making a thesis statement for you :
"I tend to agree with this notion because it can create misunderstanding between 2 persons in certain conditions and lost self-controlling."
Keep practice and good luck!
Hello Anna, here some advice from me to you:
... used by people are handphone with many features inside. By using handphone , users can send ...
1). TYPO handphone ---> hand phone. You must separate it.
2) REPETITION. It's better to change into other words such as mobile / mobile phone / smart phone
Moreover, users who do not use mobile phone well and exactly
3) SAME MEANING. I think it has the same meaning, so better if you use one of them.
That situation will bring persons 008000]people
4) people ---> plural form of person
Hello anna! I will give you some opinions about your essay.
(1) Using of electronic devices is now more ...
(2) ... media as a tool or mediamedium to connect them ...
(3) The most electronic devices that ...
The electonic device that is mostly used by people is handphone that provides many features inside
(4) ..., users can send a message, a chat, and a video call through (...) moving locations.to the other places
(5) Because in certain situation or attitude of using it, ...
Because sometimes they do not realize what they have told via text message in certain situations
(6) As a results, thethese two cases make ...
(7) ... the worst situation in relationships.
(8) ... bring persons in a bad condition.
(9) It makescauses them losing some friends.
(10) Because it also spreads ...
Because it can spread fastly and public already know it
(11) Since it can producemay cause negative effect in on private ...
