Electronic media may bring dire effects on people's relationships and everyone should be aware of it

Hello there.. i need feedback, i would appreciate any suggestion you may have.. thank you

The use of electronic media has a negative effect on personal relationships between people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

More attention should be paid on the utilizing of electronic device these days. While this notion is utterly acceptable since electronic media bring dire effects on people's relationships. It is argued that electronic media are needed as have valuable aspect on human relationships.

Needless to say, people tend to use electronic media in wrong path which affect on their mutual relationships with people. They are often to end up communication without saying anything due to miss understanding connection with others particularly in text-message or chat-message cases. A 2011 recent Guardian Times survey reveals that 30% of American had broken up and fought with their mates as the miss understanding words or emoticons they had been created. This resulted in poor connection among people due to some people do not communicate to each other face to face. It is clear that electronic devices have bad impacts on personal relationships between people

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Apart from previous discussion, others believe that electronic media are necessary in order to increase the quality of people's connection. Firstly, people can meet face to face even though they are in different places. It is possible since Skype or Video call have introduced to people. Furthermore, society can keep in touch regularly using electronic media which means that there is unlimited communication among people no matter where they are or whenever they need. In addition, people can make a lot of friends on social networking sites which extend their relation to the world. There is no doubt that electronic media have a huge impact to make people's connection more intense.

The aforementioned evidence shows that the use of electronic devices can give rise to harm people's relationships. However, it is argued that electronic devices bring people much closer than before. Where possible, i personally suggest that people should control the use of electronic media in order to decrease bad impact.

More attention should be paid on TO the utilizing of electronic deviceS these days. While this notion is utterly acceptable since electronic media bringS dire POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE effects on people's relationships. It , is argued that electronic media are IS needed as have DUE TO ITS valuable aspect ...

Needless to say, p People tend to use electronic media in wrong path WRONGLY which affectS on their mutual ...
They are often to end up communication COMMUNICATING without saying anything due to miss understanding connection MISUNDERSTANDING AND MISCOMMUNICATION with others ...
A 2011 recent Guardian Times survey reveals that 30% of AmericanS had broken up and fought with their mates as the miss understanding RESULTS OF MISUNDERSTANDING words or emoticons they THAT had been created USED. This resulted in THE RESULT WAS A POOR CONVERSATIONAL poor connection among people due to some people do not communicate to each other face to face ...

Apart from previous discussionS, others believe that electronic media are IS necessary in order (...) of people's connectionS.
... or Video call have BEEN introduced to people.
... they are or whenever they need TO.
... sites which extend their relationSHIPS IN to the world. There is no doubt that electronic media have HAS a huge impact to make ON people's PERSONAL connectionS more intense .

... devices can give rise to BENEFIT OR harm IN people's relationships. However, it WHILE IT is argued that electronic ...
Where possible , i personally suggest that people (...) in order to decrease THE bad NEGATIVE impact.

Pikul, first, I'd like to suggest on keeping just 2 paragraphs, merge the paragraphs in order to make it.

Kindly find the corrections below for your essay.

- More attention should be paid on the utilizing of electronic device these days.

- media in a wrong path which
- saying anything due to missmis understanding connection with others

- Apart from previous discussionHaving mentioned the above facts ,
- others believe that electronic media areis necessary
- Firstly , people can meet

- I personally suggest that people should control the use
- of electronic media in order to decrease its bad impact.

There you have it Pikul, I hope my remarks helped, what I noticed in your sentences are just minor remarks, verb forms, however minor they are very essential and will make your sentences more meaningful.