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(Elephant) the most important animal in your country? Why is the animal important?


Keng 39 / 134  
Mar 1, 2011   #1
Some question is very difficult to me, but i try my best to produce one clearly and logically.
Can you help me revise this essay? I really need feedback tom improve my writing skill a lot.
Thank you

What is the most important animal in your country? Why is the animal important? Use specific reasons and details to explain your answer.

In my opinion, an elephant is an important animal in my country, Thailand. It has been used in many ways like a vehicle for King, one for trading and an attractive animal performance. There are three reasons why I think an elephant is the most popular in Thailand.

First, in the past, King Phumiphon always rode an elephant not only for battle but for sightseeing. There were wars between Thai and Burma and a lot of high-ranking soldiers and King had to use an elephant as a good carrier both for warfare and tourism. An elephant has many qualities such as strength and bravery. For example, it can go through wetlands or muddy areas without being bogged down in it and travel to forests. Another is that it can boldly fight with enemies during the war, resulting in many victories.

Second, we could carry a lot of goods by elephants.
About two centuries ago, there was no lorry for transportation of things like logs and raw materials for trade exchange in cities. Although we could use other animals for this task, no one is as convenient as an elephant because it was able to bring a lot of things from a village to a city through rough and bumpy route effectively. Even though, Cattle were one which can transport goods, but it was not convenient for long distances

Third, everybody is very excited and interested to attend the elephant football game.
In Thailand, every year, a lot of people from around the globe come to watch this sport and many teams join the competition for The King's Title. There are several appealing aspects of this tournament; for instance, people who participate have to be careful with their movement because if not, they will fall to the ground and get injuries. Moreover, they have to use a skill of controlling a ball from Hockey to score a goal.

In summary, an elephant has a great number of benefits not only for military but also for business. Couple of centuries ago, there was not any vehicle for troops in the war than an elephant and it was very difficult for dealers to transport goods from one place to another without although cattle are useful too. Finally, a lot of children can enjoy the sport game during a holiday.

KathyLala 20 / 116  
Mar 2, 2011   #2
Calm down Chukate, here my feedback

=> It has been used in many ways like a vehicle for King, carrier for trading, and game performance. (I'm not sure about game performance, but technically, I think it is correct)

=> There are three reasons why I think an elephant is the most popular in Thailand. (you can omit this sentence-readers can count how many reasons

=> There were wars between Thai and Burma, and a lot of high-ranking soldiers and King had to use elephants as good carriers both for warfare and tourism

=> Elephants have many qualities such as strength and brave (I like to use plural for elephants)

=> For example, it can go through muddy areas without being bogged down as well as travel in forests (I think wetlands=muddy areas, so I just choose either one)

=> Second, elephants are ideal for carring heavy goods in a long distance. About two centuries ago, people didn't have modern automobiles such as cars, truck, or trains...

=> Although people could use other animals for this task, none of the animals were as convenient as elephants because they were capable to bring a lot of things from a village to a city through rough and bumpy route effectively (use "people"; not "we" because "we" is including you, but at that time you wasn't born yet)

=> Even though, cattle were aslo used to haul goods, but they were not convenient for long distances as compared to elephants.

=> Third, everybody is very excited and interested to attend the elephant football game. (continue your sentence here, no need to skip)

=> ...participatians have to be careful with their movements because they may fall to the ground and get injuries

=>... place to another without elephants.

Your conclusion is not so strong because you're repeating the same idea over and over. You can start your sentence like "There are many helpful animals such as...., but none of them as effective as an elephant. Although, nowadays the world has been developed some....,elephant is still the best cadidate to carry...(just some like this)
KathyLala 20 / 116  
Mar 2, 2011   #3
Indeed "they were capable to bring" is an error. I think capable of, not capable to
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Mar 8, 2011   #4
I really need feedback tom improve my writing skill a lot.

No, you don't. I can hardly find any errors!

Kathy did a great job, but even some of these comments are not actually necessary. For example:

There are three reasons why I think an elephant is the most popular in Thailand. (you can omit this sentence-readers can count how many reasons

This is a great idea for some situations, because it is never god to use more words and sentences than necessary. But in this case, it helps to tell the reader that you have 3 reasons, and then the reader will be able to organize her thoughts while reading.

Really, you have almost perfect English.

But why did you separate the first sentence from the rest of the paragraph? Do it the way you did in paragraph 2, where the first sentence is part of the paragraph:

First, in the past, King Phumiphon always rode an elephant not only for battle but for sightseeing. There were wars between Thai and Burma and a lot of high-ranking soldiers ....

Congratulations, Keng. Your hard work has really paid off.And Kathy, thanks!! Without you, a whole week would have gone by before he got help!

One more thing Kathy is right about:
They are capable of bringing...
They are capable to bring...


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