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Writing task 1 in IELTS (the employment patterns in the USA between 1930 and 2010)

bovalenca 1 / -  
Aug 24, 2018   #1

The number of employees in USA 1930-2010

The line graph depicts information about the employment patterns in the USA over a period of 80 years.

It's noticeable that the figures for labour force employment almost increased after 1980 except the farming, fishing and foresting fall dramatically and saw a small decreased came from other services.

In 1930, the two sectors include sales and office and other services started at 10%. Almost no one had worked in technical, while around 75% labour force employment had come from farming, fishing and foresting.

Employment from industrial, technical, other services, sales and office was quite stable between 1930 to 1970. At the same time, Farming, fishing and foresting fall gradually by 15% to 60% in 1970.

After 1980, The number of employees from industrial, technical, sales and office saw a rise was 35%, 30% and 20% respectively. Didn't have a change from other services, it keeps constant the same level over a period of 20 years at 10%. There was a quick drop in the number of the worker from farming, fishing and foresting, nearly 8% in 2010.

Rogerscup 5 / 8 1  
Aug 24, 2018   #2

In paragraph 4, I think it is unnecessary to write the number in 1930 again. And in paragraph 5, try not to use "Didn't" in your essay, it would be better to use "There was no

change" in the beginning.
nuradiapuspa 11 / 25  
Aug 24, 2018   #3
Dear @bovalenca

In develop paragraph, you should at least write 3 sentences. This is the organization that on of potential ways to write your essay:

Paragraph 1 : introduction + overall statement
Paragraph 2 : explain the figure of farming, fishing, and foresting
Paragraph 3 : explain another amount

Good luck!
HanNguyen0510 18 / 40 17  
Aug 24, 2018   #4
Hi @bovalenca
Here are some notices according to my opinion.
1/ There is missing of closing paragraph or as a reader, I barely recognize your closing paragraph
2/ I think you should have chosen some point of time to make the comparison in order to illustrate the changes of the employment patterns. For example, in 1930, farming, fishing and foresting hold the highest percentage and technical is the lowest one. At the point 1980, farming, fishing and foresting drops dramatically and technical starts increasing steadily. And in the year 2010, farming, fishing and foresting has the lowest percentage. Here are just some example so it does not include other employment patterns.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,582 4452  
Aug 25, 2018   #5
Tran, there are a number of inconsistencies in your presentation due to lack of information. The problem started with your incomplete summary overview which was supposed to help inform the reader about the information you will be presenting in the paragraphs. You neglected to list the sectors involved in the graph presentation. You also did not identify the years represented aside from the chart covering 80 years. You should have indicated that it started in 1930 and ended in 2010 as part of the complete information dissemination of the summary overview. That would have helped in the reader understand why your trending statement included the year 1980 in it. The overall coverage of the graph is one of the most important information to be presented in this essay.

You need to learn to use more connecting words. For example in your last paragraph, when you said "... and foresting", you should added the connecting word "by" in order to connect the word listing to the next set of information. Hence, the presentation would have been a more proper; " ... and fishing by nearly 8..."

Since this is an analytical report, a concluding statement is not required. I have to say though, you wrote a good amount of words for this essay. It should have left you with enough time to edit and revise your presentation prior to submission. A practice that I believe you should get used to doing during the practice tests so that you can further improve your scoring considerations during this dry run.

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