IELTS TASK 1: Employment Rates of South Korea (line graph)

Hi everyone! I will really appreciate if you can leave some comments on this essay based on the marking criteria of IELTS.

Can anyone please estimate the band score for this essay too? (e.g. should be above 5.5, etc)

The graph analysis task

The graph below shows the proportions of workers in three different sectors in South Korea between 1981 and 2011.

Word Count: 190

The line graph above shows the changes in South Korea's figures for 3 sectors of employment between 1981 and 2011. The units are in percentages.

Overall, it is clear that there were great shifts in the employment rates of workers in the service and agriculture sectors, meanwhile, the industrial workforce remains relatively stable. Despite the changes, workers in the service sector always dominated South Korea's total workforce.

Looking at the graph more closely, in 1981, the gaps between the 3 job sectors were minimal. The labor market's shares between service, agriculture, and industry were 39%, 33%, and 28% respectively. Between 1981 and 1991, small upward growths were seen in the service and industry sectors, each increased by 5%, whereas the other declined, down to 20%.

In the next 20 years, service was the only employment sector to gain proportions. It surged dramatically and reached almost 70% of the total workforce in 2011. In contrast, the portion of agricultural workers plummeted rapidly and hit 7% by the end of the period. After 1991, the industry sector went through a downward trend and back near to its original starting point of 26%.

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I have suggestions for you, you should paraphrase to avoid word repetition
- Show(s) = illustrate(s).
- Between 1981 and 2011 = over a period of 30 years

Before I get started, I would to caution you against using any online grammar checker. These are not effective in detecting grammatical errors, neither are these capable of examining your work in the manner that an actual examiner may. Only a human being can do that. So using any grammar checker is not going to be good for you. Simply correcting grammar, without the advise of a human on the other end, will not be useful to you. Anybody who advises the use of a grammar checker is probably being paid by that company to advertise their service, which is not allowed at this forum and anybody who does that, automatically gets banned from using this forum.

Whoever advises the use of a grammar checker does not have your best interests at heart.

Your summary overview is short by 1 sentences. It does not list the areas being measured. It is because of that missing list that your paragraph does not meet the sentence requirement. Aside from the missing information though, the overview is complete enough. In other words, it is good, but can be better. Additionally, the task 1 essay is composed of no more than 3 paragraphs. So you need to learn to say more using less words. Compress your report via comparisons, and shortened information listings. The trending statement should be the last sentence of the summary overview. It is only 1 sentence, not a whole paragraph unto itself.

You have too many run - on sentences in your presentation. You have to utilize the full stop more so that you can create proper comparison sentences and information listings. If you want to score better in the GRA section, show that you can also use other punctuation marks other than the period and comma. Use a semi-colon, a parenthesis, percentage marks, among other punctuation marks you can use in each paragraph.

There are some problem sentence presentations but these do not create a problem in understanding what you are saying. The main problem, is that you are not separating your information presentations, which make it difficult to follow your train of thought and explanation. Based on these observations, I will give you a score of 5. I base this score on the following information:

- The essay is clear but the presentations could use further development.
- There is no comparison presentation for the overlapping information in the chart
- You appear to have 2 trending statements when there should only be one.
- There is a problem with the sentence count and structure that affects the paragraph formatting overall.

Hello Mr.Holt, thank you so much for such a valuable comment! However, please forgive me that I am not entirely clear on these 2 comments that you made.

Can you please give me an example for the comparision presentation and pointed out to me the 2nd trending statement?

Thank you for your time and support!