should be encouraged to engage more in community work
There is a difference between ordinary community work and free community service. The difference is basesd on remuneration. Ordinary community work allows the youth to receive some sort of honorarium for their participation. Free community work does not. Your reference did not differentiate between the two. The original prompt was clear about this. It is free community work. Additionally, you did not rephrase the term community work in your presentation. You should have used synonyms in its place to show how well you understood the term and your ability to restate the same in your own words.
Take me as an obvious example,
You did a good job of connecting yourself to your social media reason. However, there should have also been a reference as to how you became a better member of the community because you mentioned that as a reason in the first part. An example that shows how you contributed positively and learned something from it would have been a perfect example.
Save for these 2 observations, I would have to say that you understood and discussed the topic very well with several relevant examples. This will be a passing essay in an actual test format.