Young people share a living space with their parents as long as possible
Some people encourage young children to leave their parents' house as soon as possible they are adults while others say that children should live with their family as long as possible. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
These days, more and more young adults tend to share a living space with their parents as long as possible. While this trend is widely supported by some people, others are opposed to this view. Despite I personally believe that children should move out of the family home as soon as they are grown up, this essay will examine both sides of the issue and provide with relevant examples.
First of all, it is undoubtful that living apart from parents enables an adolescent to develop into a mature person, both mentally and financially. As soon as an infant leaves a parental house, he has no choice but to acquire problem solving skills which are necessary in various aspects of life, such as performing household chores, handling his own finances, and tackling with social interaction. Moreover, in order to cover all the living expenses, a juvenile would endeavor best efforts to secure a well-remunerated job. For example, a recent research by a university of Cincinnati showed that 72 per cent of American adults aged 18, who live on their own, succeeded to secure a well-paid job.
Yet there are some opponents of this idea that are convinced infants would benefit a great deal more from settling in their parental house. Objectively, daily communication and timespending with a close-knit family could nothing but contribute to strengthening family bonds as well as preserving family traditions. For instance, it is widely common for the Italians aged 18 to 30 to live together with their folks without suffering from family estrangement. Additional benefit of staying in the parental house for a long time is being assisted financially. For example, a child supported by parents is likely to save up a desirable amount of money for tuition fees or pay off the student loan.
To conclude, I firmly believe that although encouraging children to live with a family may be fairly beneficial, the most valuable experience can be acquired through living separately from them, since only then can juveniles stand on their own feet and become self-sufficient as well.
I think the overall content of this essay is fine, with the exception of a few grammatical and vocabulary errors:
"Despite I personally..." = "Despite the fact that children can receive some potential benefits from living with their parents, I personally..."
"provide with relevant examples" = "provide relevant examples"
"it is undoubtful" = "there is no doubt"
"as soon as an infant leaves..." = "as soon as a young adult leaves..."
"that are convinced infants..." = "who are convinced that young adults..."
"timespending"= "spending time"
'could nothing but contribute" = "could contribute"
"Additional benefit of" = "An additional benefit of"
"or pay off the student loan" = "or for paying off student loans"
"since only then can juveniles can stand on their own feet and become self-sufficient as well" = "since only then are juveniles able to stand on their own two feet and become self-sufficient"
That's about it for my feedback. Hope that would help.
I would really appreciate it if you could give feedback on my essay too!
Anna, the discussion you have presented does not properly represent the dual point of view and personal opinion discussion. For starters, your personal opinion is never included as a part of the prompt paraphrase as your personal reason requires an expanded explanation. That is why it is always presented as a standalone paragraph, never as part of the concluding paragraph either. The concluding paragraph is used for something else entirely. It appears that you are not familiar with the presentation styles for the Task 2 essays so let me inform you about that.
For starters, when you begin your reasoning paragraphs, the first sentence, the topic sentence, needs to indicate which public point of view is being discussed by acknowledging that it is a public point of view. If you don't to that, the paragraph comes across as a personal point of view. You could use terms such as "The first group believes that... because..." and "While the second group explains that...." Then indicate your point of view with "Based on these explanations, I believe / my opinion is that..." Clarifying who is speaking per paragraph helps to create coherent and cohesive paragraph presentations.
Remember, the prompt instructions will tell you if you have to write a 2 or 3 reasoning paragraph. If the instruction is:
Discuss both point of view and your opinion - 3 reasoning paragraphs
Do you agree or disagree - 2 reasoning paragraphs
To what extent do you agree or disagree - 2 reasoning paragraphs
What is your opinion - 2 reasoning paragraphs
I hope you can see the discussion pattern in the presentation above. Each discussion question has a response pattern. Memorize the pattern to get the most out of your C&C and GRA scores.
When it comes to your concluding paragraph, it must always be a 3 sentence minimum summary of the previously presented discussions. The concluding paragraph is also known as the reverse paraphrase because in this section, you indicate the discussion topic, the reasoning sentence per paragraph, and your personal opinion, with a closing sentence. That is because the examiner needs to test if you are able to restate your thoughts in a short but still understandable manner.
Most of your sentences tend to be run on sentences, which means you are writing too many words. In an actual test setting, you will not be able to finish writing the essay within 40 minutes if you write this many words. Always limit yourself to one topic per paragraph and no more than 3-5 explanatory sentences to keep yourself within a time frame that allows for the editing of your work before submission. Read and revise all the mistakes you can spot within the remaining time so that you can increase your scoring potential.