Encouraging youth, that if they do their best, they can be successful and gain anything as expected

IELTS Academic Task 2 Writing

Hello, I am a new user and I have just finished writing a short piece of IELTS composition. I hope to have this work checked and to receive valuable feedback. Here is the topic:

In some cultures, in some cultures children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this message?

My answer:
In many parts of the world, youth are encouraged that if they do their best, they can be successful and gain anything as expected. Although it has some benefits to give children this message, there are also many drawbacks.

On the one hand, it is clear that telling children that they can achieve anything if they are industrious would bring about several advantages. One evident strength is that it would give children motivation to do their best. In other words, it brings them the reason to be more industrious thus to make every effort in their study and reach their goals. Another reason is that it would help children raise their awareness about planning for their success. It means they should envisage steps to prepare for the future. For example, it is vital to schedule learning time and practice a lot if a student wants to have flying colors in their exam.

On the other hand, there are some obvious disadvantages that would arise if the children believe in what the adults say about making an effort to succeed. First, the children can be negatively obsessed about failure. It means that they might be disappointed because of their failure and it makes them depressed. Doing a test would be a good example, if the exam result doesn't meet their expectation, it can dampen children's enthusiasm in learning. It causes children to not want to try hard anymore in their studies. Secondly, young people may not develop their cognitive skills. It means they will ignore such skills like critical thinking, problem solving and they lack creativity in finding a good method to study and work effectively. Learning English is another good example for this, young people may keep learning a list of every English vocabulary multiple times with the hope they will remember those words well, while they can find other better ways such as using flashcards or making sentences to comprehend those words.

In conclusion, there are many positive things about telling children that they can achieve anything if they are industrious regarding giving them motivation and helping them to plan for things. However, it could be negative in terms of disappointment and stress and the lack of non-linear thinking of young people in study and work.

The writer has displayed a well developed sense of logic and reasoning in the presentation. The prompt was clearly understood and restated. The discussion instruction was well addressed and the writer avoided the common mistake of giving a personal opinion in a simple advantage v. disadvantage essay.

As for the reasoning paragraphs, the first reason provided was sound, but did not connect well enough with the second reason provided. Rather than using the transition word "Another", the sentences should have used a transition bridge to connect the two reasons instead. The reference "This motivation will help children.." would have been a better connector between the two reasons. The 2 reasons should always highlight the connection between two otherwise seperate reasons to highlight the ability of a writer to coherently discuss a topic using cohesive sentences.

When using numerical ordinals, use these in the correct form. Do not combine numerical reference formats as this creates a grammatical error for the writer (Firstly, secondly, thirdly as opposed to first, second, third). The second reasoning paragraph was better explained and connected in the presentation. Very minimal errors exist in the paragraph.

The conclusion is just as well developed as the prompt paraphrase at the start. The writer shows the potential to score highly in an actual test provided more practice essays are completed in various writing formats.