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IELTS: energy use and greenhouse gas emissions in an average Australian household

matteo1222 1 / -  
Mar 28, 2017   #1
The first chart below shows how energy is used in an average Australian household. The second chart shows the greenhouse gas emissions which result from this energy use.

Australian Home and Energy Usage

The two pie charts present the proportion of energy use in an average Australian household and the greenhouse gas emissions from each activities. The total amount of energy use are divided into six categories as follows: water heating, refrigeration, lighting, cooling, heating and other appliances.

According to the first chart, heating and water heating are the major energy use among all activities, which contribute 42% and 30% respectively; while refrigeration, lighting and cooling have smaller percentage, at 7%, 4%, 2% respectively.

When it comes to greenhouse gas emissions. water heating and other appliances are the top two activities, which account for 32% and 28%; while lighting and cooling are the two that generate less greenhouse gas emissions, at 8% and 3%. It is worth noting that the energy use of heating is around 40% but its greenhouse gas emissions is less than 20%.

It can be concluded from the two chart that heating and water heating are the two large sources of consuming energy; while water heating and other appliances generates more greenhouse gas emissions than other activities do.

Diahkn93 6 / 9  
Mar 28, 2017   #2
hai @matteo1222

overall i like your idea to explain, its very structural, and you used simple sentences which is easy to understand you also describe the chart very well

but from what i know writing task 1 doesn't need conclusion they just need an overview in first paragraph.
good luck :)
agus_mono 13 / 23 2  
Mar 28, 2017   #3
hay @matteo1222, i have some advice for your essay

*in the introductory paragraph, you have introduced the chart well, but i think it is better if you compare or link both charts.
*in each body paragraph, you just explain the percentage of every part/features. you have to compare each other for example: "water heating energy is twice higher than other appliances".
Maitouyen282 9 / 26 3  
Mar 28, 2017   #4
Hi! it is amazing because i did do your prompts and you could go to my page and check i hope you will take some experiences from it,

firstly, i think this essay is not really goo because you did miss so many thing that not only on the pie charts but also on the you should know that this is the academic essay so you have to do analyze, which is not on the grap but you have to find by your self

Secondly, this is the manner, you should fowlow this which I am not so sure.
on the over view you should give the overal information,
on the body you should give the statement, data and comment
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 10,630 3476  
Mar 28, 2017   #5
Po, I do not think you can get more than a 4 with this type of essay writing. While you started off strong with your highly informative and engaging summary opening, your writing quality and information dissemination fell in standard in the succeeding parts. This is because you decided to not really do the comparisons of similar points in the essay. You merely stated the facts. If you read the prompt again, you will see that the instructions you were given to accomplish in the task were two-fold. That of reporting the main data and then, comparing the information. This was not accomplished properly in the essay. Your paragraph development is also inconsistent because you opted to separate the thoughts using semicolons, which do not help you to meet the minimum 3 sentence requirement of the essay. While the semicolon does help you to present related information to a certain extent, it does not properly separate the presentations so that the essay becomes factual in presentation and allows the reader the space he needs while reading for the analysis of the information being presented.
emIELTS 1 / 3 1  
Mar 28, 2017   #6
Hi, Im also working towards IELTS writting, I have some points see if you can update your essay with them.

1. you can add overall trend in the 1st paragraph
2. comparision is the weakness of this essay
3. you can use some good vocabulory, such as generatation, energy consumption, primary resource, domestic consumption, constitute

I wish those points would help you, and by the way, can you help my essay as well? thanx
Reza_Hidayat 13 / 18 1  
Apr 4, 2017   #7
I have red your essay, and I think you should make comparison among the feature as overview in introductory paragraph. it is better if you put main idea in the first sentence in paragraph in order to make your essay arranged coherently and it is important to mention key feature in your essay, you could start from attractive feature.

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