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"English-Opening to Horror story" - Is my horror story effective?


mabcoll 1 / 2  
Apr 2, 2011   #1
Hey, I'm new, can someone please read my horror story and check for any improvements? Thanks you...

Story:

Mabel Collins, English-Opening to Horror story

The cool night breeze whistled softly, blowing lightly through my hair. The sky was a deep, clear blue and the moonlight reflected on people's windows. I could feel the stars smiling down at me. After the stifling heat of the day, I felt relieved. Glad to be free of the hot and stuffy classrooms in school, I was looking forward to going home. Yet, deep in my gut, I knew something was not right. Something was nagging at me but I choose to ignore it. This was my first mistake.

I groped around hopelessly in my bag - bulging as usual with homework and fashion magazines - for the key, and twisted it in the lock. Once, twice... but the door stubbornly remained firmly shut. The metal felt cold and hard against my skin. Exasperated, I twisted the key a final time and the wooden door creaked open gently and I let myself in. As usual, I dumped my bag in the hallway, and ran straight upstairs. But nothing was ever, going to be 'as usual' again. Flinging myself unto the soft, warm bed, I took a deep breath, and then it hit me. An acrid smell smacked against my nose with such force that I reeled back in shock. I felt my face contort in disgust. The stench was almost like a physical force, thick and horrid, lingering in the air.

I had already forgotten about it; my attention was now focused on the crooked white figure which stood in the hallway front of me. It was a grotesque outline of a man, if you want to call it that. Acting on impulse, I turned back to run away but my feet were rooted to the spot - I couldn't move. My breath became short, shallow gasps as my chest heaved up and down heavily. I felt dampness on my palms, and beads of sweat were running down my face. All of a sudden, the figure seemed to be masked in a foggy white cloud, and then it was gone. At least, that was what I thought.

Weary and anxious, I rubbed my eyes convinced I was hallucinating or was simply suffering from lack of sleep. Was there something wrong with me?

Rain smashed against my windows in a fast, rhythmic pattern, as I lay in the darkness, trying to get some sleep. Shadows danced around the room, taunting me. Suddenly, a loud bang came from the opposite room. Startled, I jumped up, heart racing and pounding like a drum. My breathing became shallow gasps, and I went still with fear; there was someone in the house. A cold shiver slid up my spine and I bit my lip nervously, unsure of what to do next...

My sleep was plagued with nightmares, and I found little comfort in the darkness of my room. Tossing and turning all night did me no good, and in the morning I was exhausted, and struggling to keeps my eyes open. After the previous night's events, I felt overwhelmed with worry. I had to tell someone but I couldn't bring myself to do it. The pressure that was building up on me was almost unbearable. I had to get it off my chest, and there was only one person that I could trust...

She laughed. That's what she did when I told her! She... laughed. I couldn't believe my best friend thought I was crazy:

"You can't possibly be serious Zo!" she managed to gasp, between peals of laughter. I shivered, like ice had replaced my spine. How could my best friend, who I trusted so much, be so ignorant? She must have noticed me looking a bit hurt and had the decency to stop laughing, although I could still see her sniggering quietly.

Throughout the whole day, I felt detached and sulky, finding it extremely difficult to concentrate on anything. As soon as school was over, I walked home hurriedly, trying as much as I could to avoid Stacey (as I had been doing all day.) Having being best friends for over 10 years, it was almost as if we were strangers. Typical of me though, wasn't it - making such a big deal out of something that was probably just a one off.

Tentatively, I approached the house, a vivid memory of the last night started to unfold like a filmstrip. I cautiously stepped in, shutting the door quietly behind me. It felt weird; creeping about in my own house. All a sudden, a blinding white light flashed and I shielded my eyes. What was going on? It was him again: the figure which I had seen yesterday. Completely terrified, I stepped back; I didn't know what to do. I wasn't sure what it was, but I could hardly think, my brain seemed to have shut down. I waited for him go, for him to disappear again, but no... he still stood there, almost waiting for me to respond.

As he lifted his head to look at me, my breath caught in my throat. His beady eyes pierced through me, so dehumanising that it chilled my blood to the core. Trembling ferociously, I opened my mouth to scream, but nothing came out, and my throat felt like an empty glass. No one was there to help me; I was all on my own. With him. I refused to look him in the eye, but I could still see him clearly. Tufts of lank hair sprouted from his diseased scalp. He was standing with a hunched back staring at me through those still black eyes which neither moved nor blinked. He seemed human, but I really couldn't be sure. I could just about make out the sharp tip of a yellow tooth that rested just above the thin, black line he had for lips. The Tooth glinted with saliva, and I knew that it could probably rip me into shreds and easily snap my small, thin bones into powder in less than a minute. A familiar smell wafted through my nose and I turned away in disgust. Then, I remembered why the smell was so familiar; it was the same awful stench that was in the house before - at the same time I had first seen him. It was all starting to make sense now.

He was getting closer. My legs sprung into action rapidly and I bolted out of the door. Darkness seemed to act like a blanket around me so I couldn't see where I was running; I just knew I had to get away. My breath plumed out in front of me, like an old machine spewing smoke but it was only my hard breathing reacting with the cold air. I was running but I knew I was far from escape. He would find me... somehow. It felt like those horror films I had once enjoyed except there was no projector and no film. It was real... THIS was real and there was no getting away.

I didn't know how long I ran for but I just kept on running - running for my life. Not even turning to look back, because I was too afraid of what I would see. My breathing was quickening, but I was slowing down. Gradually, my chest started getting tighter, my legs were becoming tired and I felt trapped, like I was suffocating in the midst of my escape. There was no way I could keep on going so I stopped, and hid behind a _______ (WHAT CAN MY CHARACTER HIDE BEHIND?) I was struggling to catch my breath, trying to get as much oxygen into me as possible. When I had finally stopped wheezing, I waited. Nothing happened. I couldn't hear anything, so I decided to try and get out of my hiding place. Then I saw it.

It was a foot, peeping out of a worn, grey cloth. Reluctantly, I peeled back the cloth and uncovered a body, bit by bit. I became filled with anxiety and gulped down the lump that was beginning to form in my throat. I wanted to run, but I knew that I couldn't. What if my movement alerted the killer? Heart racing loudly, I hesitated for a second, wondering if he could hear me. A loud sob burst out, and I covered my mouth. There was no head. So I sat there, fumbling around looking for it. Then, I saw long blonde hair with pink highlights that could only belong to one person. Stacey. She lay disfigured and faced down in a dark red pool, scratches all over her face. My best friend was lying on the floor, completely motionless... dead.

"No", I sniffed, struggling to control my tears but a single, tear slid down my cold cheeks.

The once refreshing breeze was now pinching my cheeks with cold fingers. Time seemed to stand still as I tried to make sense of the horrifying scene which lay before me. It was as if my whole world had been turned upside down.

A dark thought flashed through my mind, it had got my best friend... I could be next.

SHOULD I STOP HERE?

Tension built up inside me, but it wasn't just seeing my friend dead, it was something else. A strange presence, almost as if -

My thoughts were interrupted by a strong smell that stung my nostrils. He was here, back for me. Surprisingly, adrenaline rushed through my veins triggered by the death of my friend.

Rechy 11 / 73  
Apr 3, 2011   #2
Wow, this is really horrific, when i was reading through i was in suspense and was a ittle bit shaky. You should stop at 'I could be next', it would put the readers a little bit more in suspense.

Good work !
vafa 3 / 15  
Apr 3, 2011   #3
It was pretty good.If you want to write a horror story you should watch lots of horror movies but it is clear that it wil effect on you more than your writings.I learn lots of new words through your writings!.thank you.

try to check the dictionary.for example moon-light.use dash between moon and light.a force is better in second paragraph .onto is correct not unto.

GOOD LUCK:)
OP mabcoll 1 / 2  
Apr 3, 2011   #4
Thanks guys! I appreciate your advice and will put it into practice!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,335 129  
Apr 4, 2011   #5
SHOULD I STOP HERE?

It depends on how you use the story. You can use it in many different ways and change it as often as you want. That is the great thing about art.

I think you should google this: imagery words
Your first paragraph needs some imagery words added to it, and the whole essay could use some more. Imagery words appeal to all senses, not just vision. Smells, sounds... all are "imagery."

He was getting closer. My legs sprung into action, rapidly , and I bolted out of the door. ---I think rapidly does not help, because "sprung into action" conveys the adea of rapidity.

What a crazy story! (the good kind of crazy) You have a lot of talent.
Ever read Dean Koontz?

:-)


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