Unanswered [0] / Urgent [0] / SERVICES
 DrAfT!
Home / Writing Feedback   6

More enhancements in security system due to the recent upsurge in the number of offences


More and more measures to improve the security in the urban area have been introduced because of the increased crime. Do the benefits of the measures outweigh the drawbacks?

The authority is increasingly making more enhancements in security system due to the upsurge in the number of offences during recent years . In my opinion, the goodpoints of this approach far eclipse its drawbacks for several reasons

Firstly, this change in policy helps guarantee a secured life, improving life quality. Recent installament of CCTV and increase in patrolmen seem to have a positive effect in reducing crime rate. To illustrate, gangsters and murders that previously constantly posing a threat to many people's life no longer have any chance to commit a crime for fear of being recorded by the camera. Moreover, in case of emergencies, police tend to act more promptly, which saves several lives in gun-fightings. Therefore, people feel safer and have more satisfaction in life.

Another season that makes improving security the optimal solution is that it helps improve many key sectors in one country, especially the economy. This is because a safe living environment attracts a large number long-term residents. This, in the long run , will potentially lead to the establishment and thriving of several companies and corporations, bettering the economy.

However, opponents of this policy claim that it is excessively expensive the government cannot afford and there are other critical issues that are more urgent. This does not stand to reason as security is a long-term investment which is beneficial to bot the government and residents. Moreover,if we do not invest properly in it the consequences may be severe, which would definitely lead to more cost to cover. For example, recent chaos in some states of USA causes by insecurities is disturbing both the politic situation

In conclusion, the complaint about extravagance and uneffectiveness of spending on security system is groundless. For a better future, governments should have no hesitation in enhancing domestic security.

Minh, making a 5-paragraph essay is okay. But, I think it is not preferable. Somehow, it is quite complicated to write an IELTS essay for more than 4 paragraphs. The idea development would possibly be scattered and messy or jumpy. This should be avoided in IELTS writing. All the sentences and paragraphs should be coherent if you want to reach a high score in writing. However, I am going to just focus on the introduction part since that is the first impression of the examiner and also a high band score in writing means good introduction (it doesn't mean that you should neglect the body paragraphs. No, it wasn't like that. Body paragraph is also essential, but in your case, learning from the introduction would be better than directly move to body paragraph).

1st paragraph (introduction paragraph):
- ...during recent years. (mind the punctuation marks, period should be placed directly after the last letter)
- In my opinion, the goodpoints of this approach far eclipse its drawbacks for several reasons.(instead of writing this one, you need to clearly mention what are the reasons in brief.)it is first, because of a secured life guarantee and second, it helps to improve the economy of a country.(I didn't write the third idea, you can modify it by yourself)

In brief, a strong and well-organized introduction paragraph would look like this:
1st sentence = paraphrase the question (you did this)
2nd sentence = create a thesis statement (your essay was missing this part)
3rd sentence = outline the thesis statement (I have corrected this part in above correction)

As you can see Minh, those are the necessary parts that should be written in introduction paragraph. Good luck for the next practice. The more practice the better. :)
Try more and I think you can get a great score
Some of your mistakes are due to typing!!!! this can be eliminated easily.
the goodpoints => good points
helps guarantee a secured life, improving life quality => helps guarantee a secured life and improves life quality
Another season =>Another r eason
HI Minh, as I was reading as well as reviewing your essay, what I particularly like is the fact that, you did not rely on conversational English words, what I mean is, words that are not used on a daily basis, you tried to create a whole new sentence using different sets of words without creating a confusion on the idea that you put out in the essay.

Most of the time, I suggest a writer to take on the normal route of writing in a very conversational manner, using words that are easy to understand by an average reader, with your work, you discovered and placed the right words at the right time as well as the right meaning, you also made sure that you don't make you reader feel intimidated with the words you choose.

Furthermore, though the essay is longer than I expected it, most of the essays that answer this prompt is about 3 paragraph long and a maximum of 4 paragraphs including the conclusion, then again, it's not a matter of length, it's a matter of you going out there and writing the right words into sentences, making sure that the ideas are not redundant, the thoughts are logical and there is a sequence of ideas that is clearly conveyed to the readers. Keep writing!
Thank you so much justivy03. Your feedback is a motivation for me to keep writing. I still make a lot of mistakes, but the more I make, the harder I'll ;) If there is any inappropriate vocabulary in my essay, please let me know

I myself on reading my essay again have found several mistakes.
For example, recent chaos in some states of USA causes by insecurities is disturbing both the politic and economic situation
Hi Minh, thank you for acknowledging our insights here on EF.
We do strive to provide you with the most accurate feedback and be your resource in coming up with an even stronger essay.

Now when it comes to inappropriate vocabulary, I don't necessarily rate it as inappropriate, I call it misplaced, this is because, sometimes, we are so engrossed with our writing that we just go through it and put as much words as we could, not focusing on the amount of ideas we already flooded in and this is just normal, this is when proof reading comes in, if you forgot to proof read it, don't fret, EF is here for you.

Mistakes, we all have some at one point or another, this is why we practice and we dedicate time as well as effort in our writing. Moreover, mistakes come in when you tend to loose that focus in your writing. This is why it is important to have another keen eye to look into your writing projects. I do hope that you write more and keep learning different writing techniques in the process.


Home / Writing Feedback / More enhancements in security system due to the recent upsurge in the number of offences