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Personal enjoyment? Everyone is working as a diligent worker for the family.


cgcbjunpark 1 / 3  
Oct 8, 2013   #1
People spend too much time on personal enjoyment rather than doing things they should do

It's difficult to gauge people spend too much time on personal enjoyment or things should do due to complexity. In this age of information, infrastructure facilities have made a huge improvement compare with the 1980s generation, obviously, most of entertainment things have developed as well since we have a better system to enjoy our lives more than ever. Personally I believe this phenomenon that people spend time on their personal enjoyment represents how your country's welfare social system is.

Firstly, Asia has been rapidly growing up in the world; especially China is one of the country that have made a huge progression, which precisely indicates that people who are born in before 1970s haven't even thought about their own personal enjoyment whatsoever due to the heavy responsibility to make a living under undeveloped social infrastructure system. For those whom, our generation can be defined as laziness or spending too much time on personal enjoyment, however, the magnitude of these people's perspective may diminishes if human's happiness is taken into consideration. According to a recent survey among the generation from 1950s to 1970s, over 75 percent of people have expressed clear inclination that if they have a chance to go back their youth, they would not have spent too much time on the things they should do, though they criticize people spend too much on fun things based on some kind of jealousy deep inside the heart.

It might be persuasive that there are some people seriously spend too much time on fun things, but generally these people are the minority by comparison with people who knows how to keep it balance of working and having fun.

In conclusion, I firmly believe people actually don't spend too much time on personal enjoyment though it can regard as spending too much for some people, when we look deep into it, we will find out actually everyone is working as a diligent worker for the family.

dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Oct 8, 2013   #2
Are you preparing for TOEFL or IELTS? It's better that you mention the purpose in the title so that others can provide you with more task related responses.

Personally I believe this phenomenon that people spend time on their personal enjoyment represents how your country's welfare social system is.

Since you have not posted the full prompt, it is not very clear that you are asked to agree or disagree on this argument. However, if this is an agree/disagree essay, then you need to clearly state your position on the argument.
OP cgcbjunpark 1 / 3  
Oct 9, 2013   #3
Thank you for prompt feedback! It is for TOEFL exam, can you modify my errors? thank you so much!!
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Oct 9, 2013   #4
Well... I feel you should first pay attention to the essay structure. This is the one that I recommend for this task which can earn you a good score as well as help you manage time.
OP cgcbjunpark 1 / 3  
Oct 9, 2013   #5
Thank you, I'll take your advice rewrite it, but the link you sent me doesn't work properly It said removed..could you send me again please? Thank you! have a very nice day
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Oct 9, 2013   #6
Looks like those links have been deleted. Hope dumi will find you some other good essays for reading :D
Anyway, reading essays written on similar topics will surely help you gather lots of points. Also, read the comments given by others in those essays. They too are very helpful.
marmaria 10 / 30 5  
Oct 12, 2013   #7
Hi Dear dumi, 2 weeks ago I gave my toefl exam ang got 96 (25 for my writing). all the usersa of this site, especially your advises, really helped me and I am sorry to be a part of this family. Thank you
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Oct 12, 2013   #8
Congratualtions ! :) When is the party? ....lol

I am sorry to be a part of this family

I guess what you mean is that you feel sad to part from us... Actually you don't have to. You can share your TOEFL experiences with those who will be preparing for it. Guide them with your experience to help them earn good scores as you at TOEFL. We all keep improving our English writing by helping others. It's actually a win win situation.
marmaria 10 / 30 5  
Oct 12, 2013   #9
Dear pahan I meant happy :D:D:D
I will continue to take part here because it helped me alot. and I will continue to work on my english :D

Dear cgcbjunpark

I read your essay. I think you have to work a little more on the introduction. you have a good vocab knowledge. If you work more on your grammer, you can write better essays.

China is one of the country that

is one of the countries

heavy responsibility

I do not think it is right to say heavy responsibility. It is better to say great responsibility

Firstly, Asia

first,


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