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IELTS: not enough of courtesy is demonstrated toward elderly people (reasons, problems in society)

LaLaLand999 3 / 6  
Sep 7, 2017   #1

respect to older people

Hi, everyone! I'm preparing on my own for IELTS academic and I have trouble regarding writing, as there is no one to provide me with feedback. I would appreciate it if you gave a look to my essay and make some comments on it :)

At present, numerous nations do not treat the elderly with the required respect. In my opinion, there are certain factors which have contributed to this situation, as well as significant consequences for society as a whole.

A main cause of disrespect towards seniors is that they are incapable of coping with the rapid changes which occur throughout the world. In other words, older people think in a more conservative way than the youth and unable to understand the meaning of progress and modernisation. For instance, the elderly have trouble handling technological devices, such as computers and mobile phones, as they have not been taught how to do so. Consequently, young people have neither the patience nor the willingness to introduce them to their own value system, thus older people are not respected enough.

For this reason, a major effect would be the isolation and marginalisation of the elderly. Namely, in spite of the fact that they are typically members of this society, they do not get the chance to provide the rest of its members with precious knowledge and advice. For example, older people are considered outdated by the youth for highly valuing the simple things in life, such as food, and they do not try to find the meaning behind their words. Therefore, seniors end up in nursing homes, as they cannot be taken care of, demonstrating that the older ones do not fit in a modern society.

In conclusion, older people are disrespected due to lack of understanding by the younger ones, for they act based on different values, resulting in the elderly being on the sidelines.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,628 2518  
Sep 7, 2017   #2
Athanasia, one of the requirements that we have here is that the student has to post the complete prompt requirement that you are responding to. We use that original prompt and instructions to examine the work that you have done and the problem areas that your writing might have. Since you did not provide a copy of the instructions, the review of your essay will only be based on general observations rather than exam specific considerations. Kindly remember to post the prompt along with your second essay for review. Don't bother with posting the prompt now. You only get one free assessment per thread. I won't be able to give you a second assessment even if you post it after this review. Here is my general observation of your essay.

The opening paraphrase is incomplete. The TA portion of the test will only give you a high score for the prompt restatement and completely developed paragraph presentation. You only have 2 sentences when the minimum requirement is 3. I do not get a sense of the complete prompt topic for discussion nor the original discussion instruction. The outline for discussion is therefore incomplete.

Your paragraphs must only focus on 1 topic at the most, per presentation. You need a topic sentence and a supporting declaration. These can be completed in 5 sentences and will represent a thoroughly developed discussion. The first sentence will be the topic sentence and then the last 3-4 sentences will be the supporting sentences. At the moment, you are stating "facts" without truly explaining why these should be considered truthful in nature. Are these popular reasons or personal reasons? There needs to be a recognition of where your evidence is coming from and why that makes it a factual line of reasoning.

Try to develop a better conclusion. an effective conclusion should also be comprised of 3-5 sentences that repeats the original topic, the discussion instructions, the facts you provided, and your personal opinion (if required). I will admit that this is a good effort as a first time writer on your part. However, the lack of instructions and my inability to analyze your essay due to the missing instructions and topic statement make me wonder if this type of response would get a passing score in an actual setting. I need the original prompt requirement in order to assess that so make sure that you don't forget to give it to me the next time you post an essay for review.
OP LaLaLand999 3 / 6  
Sep 7, 2017   #3
@Holt You're right, I realised it after creating this thread. The complete task is:
"In many countries today, insufficient respect is shown to older people. What do you think may be the reasons for this? What problems might this cause in society?"

And thanks for your comments

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