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TOEFL; you have enough money to purchase a house or a business. Which one you buy?

holylua 5 / 15 2  
Sep 5, 2013   #1
Both a house and a business play a vital role in our lives. They all are indispensable and help show their owner's social status. Although some people love to purchase a business when they have enough money because they desire to make as much money as possible, others tend to buy their own house first. In my view, purchasing a house is my preference if I have enough money for two important reasons.

First of all, a stable and safe house is believed to be the driving force behind a person's success. There is a Vietnamese saying that says that only after you have your own house, you easily prosper and become successful. It is equivalent to the English proverb which states "the rolling stone gathers no moss". For example, my mother managed to buy a house 3 years ago. Before then, we had to rent it and it was not a beautiful house. Every time it rained, the ceiling leaked. After my mother purchased it from the previous owner, she had it fixed and upgraded it into three- floor house. She began to buy numerous pieces of furniture to decorate her new house. It is more comfortable living in this big house. So, we are happy all the time and like spending more time together in this house. Moreover, after purchasing the new house, she didn't need to think much of the rent and focused most of her time on her work. As a result, she got promoted. She now has both a beautiful house and a thriving career. As you can see, owning a house lays the foundation for a thriving career and a happy life.

The second reason why I prefer buying a house first is that it facilitates my dream lifestyle . I like to go home and enjoy time with my family after a hard day. It is the way to refresh myself in this stressful life. I love my family and I want to provide them with a big house to live in. For instance, when I was in high school, after a hard day studying, I loved to go home right away to have dinner with my parents. We often talked about the events happening to every members that day. It was such a cozy family atmosphere. After having dinner, we spent time together in the living room watching TV. I find the life worth living when I can spend time with my parents in the house. Although I may encounter challenging problems and issues at school, my parents always offer me some plausible solutions to those problems when we have dinner together at home. Indeed, a house is indispensable for maintaining my desired lifestyle.

To sum up, I would rather purchase a house than a business. Not only does a house lay a foundation for my success but also it helps me live an enjoyable life and have a good relationship with my family. Everyone should have a big and comfortable house to live in and enjoy life as much as possible.

huyentrang 2 / 9 2  
Sep 5, 2013   #2
I think that your examples are not common
Your conclusion is not ok
testtaker 6 / 20 4  
Sep 6, 2013   #3
Hi holylua!

Your writing is fluent. I liked to read it. I think, it would have been better if you had addressed the buying of a business from one/two perspective and present a type of comparison. The essay is too living-in-own-house centric, though it is good.

For the second para, won't it be possible to do what you want to do - as stated in this para - if you have a rented house? Can you try to make your reasoning a little more sound? Overall, it is a good attempt.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Sep 7, 2013   #4
A very good introduction . Good job! :)

... Don't write numbers in essays. Write them with words unless they represent dates.
You write very well and follow the right structure. Have you finished this essay within time? If not, practise more with time.
OP holylua 5 / 15 2  
Sep 9, 2013   #5
Thanks for your recommendations. I greatly appreciate your help. I tried to write the essay under time condition at first attempt and I reached 500 words. I can't believe in my eyes. However, the essay I post in here is the second attempt. I edited it so that it is free-error and try to express my ideas more clearly

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