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Entertainment, culture, heritage - What do we need music?


farideh 2 / 5  
Dec 21, 2013   #1
There are many different types of music in the world today. What do we need music? Is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that is heard everywhere nowadays?

No one can deny that, different type of music has been increasing markedly a round the world. Some people put forward the view that, traditional music is one of the most important than international music, but others say that international music is more up to date and young generation all around the word interested in. lets discussed both side of this issues.

First of all, regardless the type of music, listen to music is one of the most entertainment for people all around the word. As it can be seen that, over 50% of people prefer fills their leisure time with music. Because, they think its essential for their nerve and have a positive effect on their behavior. Now a days, music divided two types : traditional music and international music such as rock music, pop music, etc. Traditional music is not well known as international music in the word. More over, investment for traditional music don't enough in comparison, international music.

On the other hand, different type of music have different advocate. For instance, international music are more interested in by young generation , because its more attractive and fashionable , a lot of sings performance by famous singers. For example, international music have especial clubs for young people who are keen on singers, due to this reasons traditional music would not competitive whit the international music. traditional music are supported whit elderly and middle aged generation so we don't have attractive advertising about it. Furthermore, its not enough only use traditional music in specific places such as museum, art galleries, relaxation classes, such as back ground music.

In conclusion , as we all are aware, traditional music is part of our culture and, like other valuable heritage we should preserve this art for next generations.
Apik 1 / 2  
Dec 22, 2013   #2
No one can deny that,different types of music have been increasing

Don't use comma before and after "that".

traditional music is one of the mostmore important than international music, but others say that international music is more up to date and so young generation all around the word is interested in it more . lets discussed both sides of this issues.

First of all, regardless the type of music, listening to music is one of the most popular entertainment for people all around the word.
MisterWandering 18 / 321 130  
Dec 22, 2013   #3
Some people put forward the view that,

You should omit the comma after "that"

one of the mostmore important than international music

international music is more up to date and young generation all around the word interested in

it is international music that catches more interest of the young generation.

lets discussed discuss both side of this issues.

This sounds informal and this is also unnecessary. You could give a brief answer to the questions given in the prompt instead.

listen to music is one of the most entertainment

listening to music is one of the most popular way of entertainment

As it can be seen that,

This part can be removed.

prefer fills their leisure time with music

are interested in filling their leisure time with music

Because,

The comma is wrongfully used here.

have a positive effect on their behavior.

helps them to relax after long working hours.

Now a days, music divided two types : traditional music and international music such as rock music, pop music, etc

You don't need to mention this idea again.

Traditional music is not well known as international music in the word. More over, investment for traditional music don't enough in comparison, international music.

In this paragraph, you should focus on why we need music.

On the other hand, different type of music have different advocate. For instance, international music are more interested in by young generation , because its more attractive and fashionable , a lot of sings performance by famous singers. For example, international music have especial clubs for young people who are keen on singers, due to this reasons traditional music would not competitive whit the international music. traditional music are supported whit elderly and middle aged generation so we don't have attractive advertising about it. Furthermore, its not enough only use traditional music in specific places such as museum, art galleries, relaxation classes, such as back ground music.

This paragraph shows that international music is far more popular, but it doesn't show whether this kind of music is more important.
Also, you should pay attention to your grammar! Hope this helps!
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Dec 24, 2013   #4
a round the world.

around the world

lets Let us discussed both side of this issues.

... It is better if you state your opinion direct before concluding your paragraph.
Also you should have mentioned the below point when introducing the background of your topic;

WhatWhy do we need music?

First of all, regardless the type of music, listening to music is one of the most entertainmententertaining activity for people all around the word.
Pahan 1 / 1,906 553  
Dec 24, 2013   #5
On the other hand, different type of music have differentadvocate.

.... this sentence is confusing. I think you have chosen the word advocate without knowing its proper meaning and usage. "Advocate" means "a person who publicly supports or recommends a particular cause or policy"...e.g. "he was an untiring advocate of economic reform".... The appropriate word for this idea is "appeal"

On the other hand, different types of music appeal different audiences.

For instance, international music are more interested in by young generation

.... here it's wrong grammar. You need to pay attention to grammar a lot. I'm going to fix it now, and pay attention to those fixes and better memorize.

For instance, young generation is more interested in international music.
For instance, the international music is more popular among the young generation.


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