Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

Entrance essay: describe a person who has had an influence in you.


chiazhicao 2 / -  
Feb 2, 2008   #1
Hello all i am a bad writer and i am trying to write an entrance essay for an University Admission and the topic to write is stated above. Please advice on how i can improve it further, thanks a million!

This is a tough question as there are so many people that have influenced me in some way or another. If I were to choose one person, he/she must be someone close to my heart and that would be my mother. I really admire my mother as she has to work everyday and still take care of the 3 mischievous boys in my family - my father, my elder brother and me.

My mother is an extraordinary woman and the things she does for the family is unimaginable. For the past 20 years, no matter rain or shine, my parents have to wake up at 3am every morning where most of the people are still comfortably asleep. They have a humble food stall where they sell 'Chui Kueh' - a traditional Chinese rice cake in a hawker centre. My parents have to bear the constant heat from the stoves and also occasionally difficult and demanding customers, just to bring home the bread and butter.

After a hard day tolling at the stall, my dad will rest while my mother still has to do housework and make sure there is dinner for us. She hardly has time for herself and it is only at night where after she has done the dishes, she will indulge herself in the latest Korean dramas on T.V.

My mother looks like any other aunty on the street but what lies beneath is a benevolent soul with perseverance that forms the backbone of my family. It is the sheer willpower and self-sacrificing that my mother demonstrates everyday that not only inspire me the strength to overcome everyday obstacles, but also leaves me with invaluable life lessons.

I can never thank my mother enough for what she has given me; I own my strength to my mother.

EF_Team2 1 / 1,708  
Feb 3, 2008   #2
Greetings!

I disagree--I think you're a very good writer! Sure, there are a few grammatical errors, which I'll correct for you, but the essence of good writing is to tell the story well, and you know how to do that (whether you realize it, or not!).

I really admire my mother as she has to work every day and still take care of the three mischievous boys in my family- my father, my elder brother and me. [I loved that part!]

My mother is an extraordinary woman and the things she does for the family are almost unimaginable.

For the past 20 years, no matter whether rain or shine, my parents have had to wake up at 3:00 every morning when most people are still comfortably asleep. [It's redundant to say say "3 a.m. every morning" because "a.m." tells us it's morning.] They have a humble food stall in a hawker centre where they sell 'Chui Kueh' -- a traditional Chinese rice cake.

After a hard day toiling at the stall, my dad will rest while my mother still has to do housework and make sure there is dinner for us. She hardly has time for herself and it is only at night, after she has done the dishes, that she will indulge herself in the latest Korean dramas on T.V.

It is the sheer willpower and self-sacrificing that my mother demonstrates every day that not only inspires in me the strength to overcome everyday obstacles, but also leaves me with invaluable life lessons. - This is a good demonstration that "every day" means every single day, and "everyday" means something commonplace or ordinary.

I can never thank my mother enough for what she has given me; I owe my strength to my mother.

Good job! Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


Home / Writing Feedback / Entrance essay: describe a person who has had an influence in you.