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ESSAY on entrepreneurship for acceptance into special program-feedback pls?


andrefreydell 1 / -  
Apr 12, 2008   #1
THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR HELP!
ESSAY TOPIC- submit an essay explaining your interest and activities related to the program, the contributions you expect to make to the community and the benefits you hope to derive from membership. Your essay should be no more than 500 words.

THE PROGRAM- The Entrepreneurs' Program invites students from all academic backgrounds to participate. The group explores the challenges and issues involved in starting a business. Students will participate in workshops on a variety of related topics, including business planning, raising capital, generating creative ideas, and understanding legal issues. Activities will also include site visits to local businesses, faculty and alumni dinners, and a hands-on project in starting a small business.

MY ESSAY-
(I think it needs a vocab upgrade, and it is just the first draft... also feel free to comment on content, regarding what you think the house dean would like to see)

Have you ever stood before an ominous challenge, with every piece of your mind set on success, with determination thrumming throughout your body like an electric current? Do you yearn of creating something lasting, beautiful, and inherently good for all people? Do you love innovation and risk? I do. I was once told I had the mentality of an entrepreneur. Years later I came to see that how all that determination can be aimed towards constructing those living, breathing apparatuses which we call businesses. From within a corporation, society is guided towards a better future and increased quality of life. Thus, the path of an entrepreneur seems both meaningful and exciting to me.

Growing up with entrepreneurial parents, in a city where every block hosts a trove of new businesses big and small, I recognize business as a fundamental part of life. In the beginning it was marvelously fun to be the only ten-year-old making money- I sold thousands of dollars in fashion jewelry and birthday cards. In the following years, I carried out a handful of other money-making schemes. Many years later, I have come to see entrepreneurship as a way of participating in my community's improvement.

Recently, I used my creativity and love for the arts to complete a fashion project; launch successful a 15-piece bathing suit collection and interactive catalogue. I gained confidence and interpersonal skills, both personal and professional, and recognized that personal dreams can, with hard work, planning, and competent and supportive peers, turn into functional and practical realities. My workers, mostly single mothers with little opportunity, taught me about the redemptive power of teamwork and effective leadership. I would like to think that on a larger scale, a growing company translates into a happier society, healthier and more educated citizens, and lastly, an opportunity for people to grow and be fulfilled through their work.

I would like to join the Entrepreneurs' Residential Program to be part of a stimulating network of people with similar interests, where I could find inspiration, support, and friendship. This program would provide essential bases for a successful venture and open the doors to a world of information. Specifically, it could teach me a point of view on the matter that surely differs from that I acquired in my hometown of Medellin, Colombia.

As a member of your residential program I could provide an innovative approach to problem solving, accompanied by high energy and relentless dedication. I am a perfectionist- always searching for the most creative and efficient solution. I am an encouraging leader, but at the same a good team player and take up other's ideas with the same enthusiasm as my own. I would be thrilled to take part in your community, to share and receive new ideas, as well as gain the necessary resources to reach my goals.

I am a foreigner, who has not taken proper english classes for years, and practices english only by reading. I am 17. So please, forgive any "obvious" mistakes! Good Day,

Maria Andrea

EF_Team2 1 / 1,709  
Apr 13, 2008   #2
Greetings!

Your English is excellent! I don't think I'd have known it's not your first language if you hadn't told me. :-) I found only a few small points worth mentioning:

Growing up with entrepreneurial parents, in a city where every block hosts a trove of new businesses big and small, - I found myself wondering, "Which city?" You might consider mentioning the name here, rather than later in your essay, as you do.

Recently, I used my creativity and love for the arts to complete a fashion project, launching a successful 15-piece bathing suit collection and interactive catalogue.

I am an encouraging leader, but at the same time a good team player, and I take up others' ideas with the same enthusiasm as my own.

Best of luck with the program!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com


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