Hi Kim, Another good work. But you cannot find a perfect essay, even those written by experts. First, I strongly recommend you to keep your essay below 400 words, cause the more you write, the more mistakes would be found in the text, thus, the mark will be reduced. Besides, time limit and stress of a real test will be the additional problems.
Now my comments on your work. Hope you find them useful
When the industrial revolution took place back in the 1800's, many workers were oblivious to what would happen to the atmosphere if they continued to emit pollution in the air. This neglect of science evolved to the great global warming dilemma the present environmentalists face these days. However, the public does not understand the situation entirely just like the workers back in the 1800's because the complexnesscomplexity of science. Despite the complexness (repetition. You can use the word "the intricate/complicate nature of XXX) of environmental issues, individuals can nevertheless(you cannot use "nevertheless" in the middle of a sentence. There is a difference between "however" and "nevertheless".) , mitigate the whole problem even with the most trivial actions such as conserving energy or donating and supporting green organizations.
This hook is really good, well done. But, remember you should not mix your own opinion with the thesis, cause it makes the text confusing. Write the thesis and your opinion separately.mitigate the whole problem even with the most trivial actions such as conserving energy or donating and supporting green organizations.
As I told you before you include many details in the introduction so the reader does not need to read the rest of the essay. You should not discuss anything in the introduction. You could simply say that "
I believe that even ordinary individuals can play vital roles in this matter by changing their lifestyles and running social activities". In this way you keep the reader interested to continue reading. Make the reader think that what kind of change in lifestyle would help the issue, what social activities raise the problem?
the outcome is clean air for both nature and people to enjoy and stable economy without overusing recyclable objects
In addition, the world will remain clean for nature and mankind to prosper together.
Can you see the redundancy?
This ideal world dreamed from environmentalists can be turned to reality if we, as residents of Earth, cooperate with and sacrifice for each other. Although the environment issues are beyond comprehension for the majority of people, this majority group can trigger a humongous change even with the most trivial act like conserving energy or reusing recyclable objects.
This is a very loooong concluding sentence. Concluding sentence should summarize the whole paragraph briefly.
can profoundly support any organizations and even contribute to the war against pollution
the complexity behind these issuesthat .
In conclusion, even though some people believe that environment issues are far too difficult for ordinary people to comprehend, but nevertheless,I thinkthis does not necessarily mean that these individuals are completely useless. Bythey can still make a meaningful contribution to the improvement of the issue by conserving energy as a whole world and supporting environmental organizations. Thus, if we marginalize normal people completely, the goal of living in a clean environment would have become a dream that never comes true.they can make the greatest impact that can totally rejuvenate the world we live in now .
Cheers,
Ahmad
