Unanswered [3] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3

TOEFL: environment issues are far too difficult for ordinary people to comprehend


kibz95 16 / 53 15  
Jan 20, 2015   #1
Agree or disagree: because environmentalist issues are very complex, indivisuals can do nothing about them on their own.

NOTE: This is a TOEFL essay; an essay limited to 30 minutes. I admit I have exceeded the time limit to an estimated 5 min. I spent too much time pondering on the hook of my intro. Please let me know if I can fix anything or if I said unnecessary sentences. Thank you!

When the industrial revolution took place back in the 1800's, many workers were oblivious to what would happen to the atmosphere if they continued to emit pollution in the air. This neglect of science evolved to the great global warming dilemma the present environmentalists face these days. However, the public does not understand the situation entirely just like the workers back in the 1800's because the complexness of science. Despite the complexness of environmental issues, individuals can nevertheless, mitigate the whole problem even with the most trivial actions such as conserving energy or donating and supporting green organizations.

Environmental issues are indeed intricate and delicate to the point how years of studies are required to fully understand the logic and science behind these issues. However, individuals do not necessarily have to understand the situation to alleviate the issue. Even the simplest actions of turning off an unused lamp or recycling plastic bags can grow to create a tremendous change to global warming and excessive waste. To be specific, if the people of a whole country conserve energy and recycle, the outcome is clean air for both nature and people to enjoy and stable economy without overusing recyclable objects. Now imagine the colossal impact if the whole world was to preserve energy and recycle. Environmentalists will no longer have to plan deeper strides to prevent toxic emissions from factories or decaying earth from abundant garbage. In addition, the world will remain clean for nature and mankind to prosper together. This ideal world dreamed from environmentalists can be turned to reality if we, as residents of Earth, cooperate with and sacrifice for each other. Although the environment issues are beyond comprehension for the majority of people, this majority group can trigger a humongous change even with the most trivial act like conserving energy or reusing recyclable objects.

In addition, individuals can support green organizations fighting against propaganda to preserve Earth by donating or spreading word about environment issues to others. Organizations like Greenpeace are currently on the move to protect the world from corrupted governments ignoring their demands on abating emissions. In order to complete this quest, organizations require financial support which is where individuals come in. Even if a single man were to donate one dollar, an elementary school containing 200 children can profoundly support any organizations and even contribute the war against pollution. Also, by spreading word of environment issues, more people would be aware of it and thus refrain from buying surpluses of environmentally harmful products and avert to purchasing eco-friendly products. In effect, having the public aware of environmental issues can alter the market to benefit assiduous environmentalist battling arduously against pollution and waste. Thus, by supporting these organizations by donation and cautioning others, individuals can make a significant impact on the environment without knowing the complexity behind these issues.

In conclusion, environment issues are far too difficult for ordinary people to comprehend, but nevertheless, this does not necessarily mean that these individuals are completely useless. By conserving energy as a whole world and supporting environmental organizations, they can make the greatest impact that can totally rejuvenate the world we live in now.

(526)

Thanks again!

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Jan 20, 2015   #2
Hi Kim, Another good work. But you cannot find a perfect essay, even those written by experts. First, I strongly recommend you to keep your essay below 400 words, cause the more you write, the more mistakes would be found in the text, thus, the mark will be reduced. Besides, time limit and stress of a real test will be the additional problems.

Now my comments on your work. Hope you find them useful

When the industrial revolution took place back in the 1800's, many workers were oblivious to what would happen to the atmosphere if they continued to emit pollution in the air. This neglect of science evolved to the great global warming dilemma the present environmentalists face these days. However, the public does not understand the situation entirely just like the workers back in the 1800's because the complexnesscomplexity of science. Despite the complexness (repetition. You can use the word "the intricate/complicate nature of XXX) of environmental issues, individuals can nevertheless(you cannot use "nevertheless" in the middle of a sentence. There is a difference between "however" and "nevertheless".) , mitigate the whole problem even with the most trivial actions such as conserving energy or donating and supporting green organizations.

This hook is really good, well done. But, remember you should not mix your own opinion with the thesis, cause it makes the text confusing. Write the thesis and your opinion separately.

mitigate the whole problem even with the most trivial actions such as conserving energy or donating and supporting green organizations.

As I told you before you include many details in the introduction so the reader does not need to read the rest of the essay. You should not discuss anything in the introduction. You could simply say that "I believe that even ordinary individuals can play vital roles in this matter by changing their lifestyles and running social activities". In this way you keep the reader interested to continue reading. Make the reader think that what kind of change in lifestyle would help the issue, what social activities raise the problem?

the outcome is clean air for both nature and people to enjoy and stable economy without overusing recyclable objects

In addition, the world will remain clean for nature and mankind to prosper together.

Can you see the redundancy?

This ideal world dreamed from environmentalists can be turned to reality if we, as residents of Earth, cooperate with and sacrifice for each other. Although the environment issues are beyond comprehension for the majority of people, this majority group can trigger a humongous change even with the most trivial act like conserving energy or reusing recyclable objects.

This is a very loooong concluding sentence. Concluding sentence should summarize the whole paragraph briefly.

can profoundly support any organizations and even contribute to the war against pollution

the complexity behind these issuesthat .

In conclusion, even though some people believe that environment issues are far too difficult for ordinary people to comprehend, but nevertheless,I thinkthis does not necessarily mean that these individuals are completely useless. Bythey can still make a meaningful contribution to the improvement of the issue by conserving energy as a whole world and supporting environmental organizations. Thus, if we marginalize normal people completely, the goal of living in a clean environment would have become a dream that never comes true.they can make the greatest impact that can totally rejuvenate the world we live in now .

Cheers,
Ahmad
OP kibz95 16 / 53 15  
Jan 21, 2015   #3
Thanks again Ahmad, I am in your debt.
I understand what you are trying to say. I panicked when I ran out of time so I may have exaggerated more than I used to. I can clearly see the redundancy you've pointed out. I'll be aware of that. I'm glad I got the hook correct, it's all thanks to your comments. I'll be counting on you more in the future! Thanks again!


Home / Writing Feedback / TOEFL: environment issues are far too difficult for ordinary people to comprehend