Hi everyone, I'm new here and would be grateful if someone can give me comments on my writing. I'm practising for a high score of the IELTS test and the examiner will mark on: Grammar (correct and vary ), vocabulary, cohesion and task achievement.
Here's the topic: Nowadays environment problems are too big to be managed by individual persons or individual countries. In order words, it is an international problem. To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Today the environment is considered by many groups as "the common heritage of mankind" and the environmental problems are increasingly the subject of international efforts because of their cross-border impacts and the impossibility that just an individual person or few nations can solve these problems on their own. This will be proven by analysing the impacts of globalisation on the environment and the advantages of cooperation in an attempt to solve environmental problems which lead the effort to solve these problems individually to meaningless.
First, as globalisation continues, the Earth's natural procedures transform local problems into international issues, few societies are being left untouched by major environmental problems. Take air pollution for example, it is believed to have negative impacts on human and animal lives in almost every parts of the world and a great deal of it has been proved to be caused by the consumption of a huge amount of fuel for traveling and shipping which are resulted from globalisation. The term globalisation suggests people to be more connected with each other and an open market which means commodities can be exchanged freely across boundaries, thus leading to more traveling and shipping. This example clearly shows that environment problem has become an international problem as it has worldwide range effects on human lives.
Now looking at the advantage of cross-border collaboration to solve environmental problems. The worldwide cooperation creates and spreads expert knowledge that is beneficial for the environment and society in general. For instance, in many countries, Germany in particular, the main concern is drought and there is a great need for irrigation. It has been proved that there was more technically complex than expected, however through cooperating with other partners, ideas and experiences with irrigation and water retention have been shared and this challenge has been overcome. When looking at this example, it is no doubt that it is much easier to solve environmental problems by the collaboration of many people or countries than by individual attempts.
After analysing the areas of impacts of globalisation on the environment and the advantages of worldwide cooperation in solving environmental problems, it can be concluded that environmental problems are international concerns, and not within the control of only few individual persons or countries. It is expected that the problems will be monitored and solved by the contributions of everyone and every nations through a "world environmental organisation" to coordinate international environmental policies.
Please give me some comments and corrections. Do you think the arguments are strong and logical?
Awesome, Annika... I always am so happy when I see a thread where you participated, because you give high quality help.
This is the "passive voice"...---->This will be proven by analysing the impacts of globalisation on the environment and the advantages of cooperation in an attempt to solve environmental problems which lead the effort to solve these problems individually to meaningless. -----You can google this: difference between active and passive voice.
Also, when you say "This will be proven..." What is this? You mentioned 2 abstract ideas in the first sentence.
Actually, in formal writing it is good if you always follow the word this with a noun.
This claim will be proven...
So.. make that claim clear! :-)
I see that you made the idea perfectly clear at the end of the essay, but the intro paragraph makes it a little muddled.
The body of the essay is great, very clear and logical! Nice job...