Please help me better my writing by giving your feedbacks on my structure, grammar, vocabulary and idea. I will really appreciate it. Thank for reading!
Some people say that the main environmentalproblem of our time is the loss of particular species of plants and animals. Others say there are more important environmental problems.
Discuss both theses views and give your own opinion.
Write at least 250 words
Over the last several decades, human society has been experienced the most rapid development ever with the powerful hand of scientific and technological advancement. In spite of making people's life much more convenient and enjoyable, this, more dangerously, causes serious harm to our environmental health.
Some people think that the main problem we are facing now is the loss of wide range of animals and plants, which is obviously explainable: the more the society grows, the more resources we need to satisfy our increasing demands. The global population has reached around 9 billion which is much more than that of the last century. As there are more people, we expand our territory further for both living and exploiting natural resources. As a result, the land we are using briskly overlap that of fauna and flora, which cause natural vegetation to disappear and all animals living in it to have no place to hide. If this continues to happen, those plants and animals may stand in the brink of extintion and in fact, many of them are.
In addition, there are also numerous other environmental issues we need to be aware of such as plastic waste or air pollution, etc. The single-use consumerism is quickly becoming prevailing in the present time while people use a lot of disposable cups, straws, boxes for just one time, which day by day piles up in our ocean poisoning marine species. Furthermore, the birth of new affordable bikes, cars and other means of transportation put more of them on the road, which emits tons of released gas every year. Undoutedly, the air we are breathing is contanminated in a blink of an eye.
In my point of view, there are lots of environmental problems including those above need to be concerned by both governments and public so that we can join hands and protect our living habitat, keep it safe and clean for our descendants.
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The first paragraph should be composed of the prompt restatement and personal opinion. The writer does not present a proper paraphrasing of the 2 public opinions.In fact, the statement is not related to the 2 original topics at all. Neither does the writer provide an appropriate personal opinion as a response to the "give your own opinion" portion of the discussion instruction. The presentation has failed half the test at this point.
Providing an explanation of the 2 public opinions is a must in this essay. The writer did not accomplish that writing instruction. The overall discussion approach is one that the writer created for himself. It does not adhere to the given discussion requirements. It cannot pass due to the obvious disregard for writing instructions. Is this evidence ofa lack of English comprehension skills in reference to the original instructions? It appears so. Will that be the cause of a failed score? Yes.
I think for the introduction you can say :
It is argued by some that the major environmental problem of our time is the loss of certain species of plants and animals. Meanwhile, there are also some people believe that there are more ... (Then you can continue with your opinion)
I think that you should revise the grammar of the essay, sometime you miss the -s of the third person and the tense of the verbs. Regarding the punctuaction, I think that some sentences are too long, you can make them shorter by adding semicolons or commas.
Ohterwise, I think the content is really well elaborated.
I would appreciate it, if you cold see my writings as well.
In the introduction, you havent presented either the task' issue or your own opinion. Moreover, there are also some grammatical errors as well as some spelling mistakes that I think you should revise after finishing your writing. Moreover, in the body paragraphs, you have already expressed thouroughly your view of supporting the first sentence of the task, which is good. However, you lacked the other side of issue that the task requires as well: "others say there are more important environmental problems.".
That's my opinion. Maybe it is not that perfect but I hope it is useful to u
I've spotted a few grammar mistakes, for example:
It should have been "...has been experiencing..."
which causes natural ...
Moreover, I think there are some sentences in which you should divide them with a comma
Like this one:
" issues we need to be aware of, such as plastic waste"
"Over the last several decades..."
I think your introduction is not specific enough. You just give lots of background information without talking or comparing two opinions which are the loss of animals and other issues. You may figure it out by adding a thesis statement to specify the given question.
"The global population ... As there are more ..."
I think we can combine these two sentences above."Due to the increasing global population, reaching 9 billion, we have to expand our...natural resources."
Another thing I want to share with you is that in academic writing, try not to use ETC, LOTS OF, A LOT OF because they are informal words/ phrases.