Hi there, you have quite an average command over English language and your essay is good enough to earn you about the range somewhere between 3 or 4 out of 9 in an IELTS exam. What I have noticed is that the essay does not flow from the top to bottom well and another thing is that you barely touched your point and your introduction and the body paragraph confuses the reader on which side of the argument you are on. You need to stay up with an argument and make your point by giving out reasons and relevant examples from personal experiences or whatsoever and lastly, you have a lot of sentence structure and grammatical errors and here are few:
Environmental issues are caused by human's activities. As a ...
The humanity as a whole is responsible for the environmental problems, and therefore we need to take the responsibility to completely eradicate or at least curb the environmental pollution. I believe that not only do the multi-national corporations can create a suitable environment for us to live in, but we the society as a whole
Whereas, no one can
In conclusion, it is important that industries can produce massive ...
To conclude, the 'big-corporations' around the world can take necessary steps to alleviate the environmental problem by increasing awareness through advertisements and campaigns so that people cooperate with them in the environmental cause, thereby create a suitable environments for people to live in.
Just one more point to add,"practice makes it perfect", keep practicing and keep writing. cheers!
Environmental issues are caused by human
's activities. As a consequence, every person (i think it is better to change it into "human") in this planet is responsible ...
... industries can make an improvement
, but also humankind are the most matter. (in adding information by "not only...but also" you have to make the statement equivalently).