Unanswered [4] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

Environmental protection - THE TASK 2 WRITING ESSAY.


hankpham88 1 / -  
Apr 28, 2020   #1
Hi everybody, I'm newbie. Please help me to improve this essay! Thank you so much!

Environmental protection is the responsibility of politicians, not individuals as individuals can do little.

Agree or disagree?



Some people think that the conservation of environment is what politicians have to do, not individuals, because the contribution of individuals is considered quite small and insignificant . I wholeheartedly disagree with this statement that everybody have the same responsibility in environmental protection. In this following essay, I will shed light on this notion and give my point of view.

Politicians definitely play an important role in the environmental conservation, but they are not all. Most people who active in party politics have more experiences and worth words than citizens. Thus, they have several glaring responsibilities that finding problems and encouraging everyone to do it together in various ways such as through the press or television. For instance, in the internet era, when the government found the cause of environmental pollution that came from using plastics, they can boost citizens that limit the use of plastic straws and plastic food wraps through social networking sites.

It is absurd to believe that the pollution of environment will go away with only the influence of politicians, while the citizen is the core force who decides whether or not it will succeed. First, people's awareness is the biggest influence on the success of environmental protection campaign. Some coffee shops has changed to using rice straws or grass straws that are environmentally friendly although the plastic straw is more economical, for example. Subsequently, politicians are only a small part of the total population.

In conclusion, both of politicians and individuals have the same responsibility in environmental protection. Although the burden of politicians is more remarkable, the citizen also has a tremendous contribution and cannot be denied. The environment will not be poisoned and the global warming will not be severe if people do not continuously destroy them.

(292 words)
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,223 4319  
Apr 28, 2020   #2
You need to avoid run - on sentences. It makes the sentence presentation difficult to understand. You also should avoid simply saying what you will discuss in favor of outlining your discussion. You must also make sure that you directly respond to the question being asked. So, an alternative presentation for the paraphrase is:

The safe keeping of the environment is seen by most people as a duty solely belonging to the government. The reason for their thinking is that as human beings cannot do enough to safeguard our natural habitat. I wholeheartedly disagree with this belief based on two reasons: the socially responsible people want to help the environment and, people can have a tremendous influence on others when it comes to protecting our surroundings.

You need to be careful with your word choices. Your LR score will receive deductions with every wrong word that you use in your presentation. The vocabulary is important. The wrong word usage will create confusion in your presentation and affect your C&C score. Take for example, the following presentation:

Most people who active in party politics have more experiences and worth words than citizens.

I am very sure that you meant to say "worth" not "words". Worth indicates the value of something such as the experience of citizens. Words, are just that, words. descriptions. It has nothing to do with the power of people to effect change.

Your essay is choppy in terms of content. It doesn't really make sense towards the end because you either suddenly include information without using a transition presentation or, you include an idea without an explanation. This created a confusing paragraph presentation. The result? A lower C&C and GRA score.

This is not the kind of essay that will get a passing score. Maybe you have the ability to improve your writing skills and written presentation over time. I cannot be sure of that at the moment. I will only be able to tell after assessing several of your upcoming essays. I hope to read those soon.


Home / Writing Feedback / Environmental protection - THE TASK 2 WRITING ESSAY.