Hi guys, please help by providing me with your suggestions/corrections in terms of structure, vocabulary, cohesion and grammar. Any help will be appreciated.
Many believe that the numbers of male and female students should be accepted equally in all subjects by universities. I totally agree with this idea because females should be no longer treated unfairly, they can do as good as males can in every subject and the rights of both genders in the society need to be protected.
First, it has been clearly pointed out that treating unfairly to an individual or a particular group of people or gender is discrimination and hence prohibited by laws in almost every countries all over the world. This is therefore both genders must be equally accepted into universities.
In addition to this, there have been many evidences to prove that women can perform as excellent as men in almost every fields or subjects. One good example could be use is that the current prime minister of Australia is a female. This example clearly shows that even in politics, the field that is used to be dominated by men, women can definitely go to the top. As such, in every subject taught at universities, male and female students should be equally accepted.
Another reason why the statement is supported is that, in every occupation equal numbers of both genders participating are ideal. For example, in police forces both male and female officers are needed to ensure the balance between genders which is to protect the right of everyone in the society to be treated fairly and especially to avoid sexual harassment in many cases in that the offenders are females.
In conclusion, after analyzing the areas of anti-discrimination, equal abilities of both genders to perform well in many fields as well as protecting the rights of societies' members to be treated fairly, it has been proven that universities should accepts equal numbers of male and female students in every subject is a highly supported statement.
I totally agree with this idea because females should be no longer treated unfairly, they can do as good as males can in "every subject" and the rights of both genders in the society need to be protected.
Hi, your writing is good. But I think you need a little bit of adjustment in your writing: Should "no longer" be. Place this word before main verb. Similarly, instead of "every subject" you could write "every aspect." You could put the last part as a separate sentence.
women can perform as excellent as men in almost every fields or subjects . Here it should be "every field or subject" and " all fields and subjects"
I noticed that you have the basics of writing an essay (introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion), but I think you have to work on how to write a paragraph. While writing a paragraph to support you thesis, you do the following:
Write a topic sentence
write supporting details
write an example .
For example,the topic for the first body paragraph may be something like this: Women are similar to men in many aspects. Many women are outproducing men in schools, at work, in politics, and in sports. And then provide a particular example of a successful woman leader, player, or worker.
I hope this will give you a guideline. Good luck for your IELTS...
Thanks for your comments guys. They really help in correcting my grammar.
Cheers
First, it has been clearly pointed out that treating unfairly to an individual or a particular group of people or gender is discrimination and hence prohibited by laws in almost every countries all over the world. This is therefore both genders must be equally accepted into universities.
These sentences are too complicated. You should write shorter sentences. Shorter sentences are easier to read, just as smaller bites are easier to chew.
Evidence is like water. You can have a little or a lot, but it's still evidence. Only rarely should you write "evidences."
In addition to this, a lot of evidence is available to prove that ...
:-)
