Ielts2 - The equal amount of money to both medical research and the protection of environment

Please help me review my essay. Thank you very much!

GOVERNMENT SHOULD SPEND MORE MONEY ON MEDICAL RESEARCH TO PROTECT CITIZENS' HEALTH RATHER THAN ON PROTECTING THE ENVIRONMENT.

DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE?

It is said that government funding for the care of habitants' health should give preference to medical research over the protection of environment. From my opinion, I disagree with this view and would argue that people's health would be completely protected if government allocates the equal amount of money to both medical research and the protection of environment.

To begin with, there are a number of reasons why government should spend money on medical research. Firstly, these days, there is an increase in human illnesses are caused by the infection with new virus species that people do not have not a clue about them, of which consequences could be unpredictable and unprecedented. For example, the covid-19 pandemic caused by novel coronavirus took a heavy toll on not only millions of people's health all over the world but also the global economy. Therefore, investing public money in medical research for the discovery of timely vaccines and cures for this new coronavirus disease is urgent in order for the situation not to worsen infinitely. Secondly, many dangerous diseases such as cancers, or strokes cause high death toll but there still fails to have optimal methods or effective drugs for the treatment of these illnesses. As a result, it is necessary to conduct more medical research on these diseases to improve human well-being and increase life expectancy of people.

On the other hand, maintaining environmental sustainability should also be set the same government budget as medical research. It is evident that the environmental pollution is considered as the major culprit which poses a serious threat to people's health since a vast number of diseases of people results from living in polluted surroundings. For example, air or water pollution could lead to long-term health problems such as cancers, cardiovascular, or respiratory illness. Consequently, financing public money to the protection of environment such as developing waste treatment technology or conducting environmental awareness campaigns contributes to reducing the negative impacts of environmental pollution on people's health.

In conclusion, I think that both medical research and the protection of environment play an equally important role in protecting citizens' health, and government should spend the equal budget on both of them.

You have 40 minutes to write a perfect version of this essay. While you may be able to write 363 words during that period of time, the one thing that you failed to do, was perfect the content. You took the quality and clarity of your writing for granted in favor of writing more words. The extra long essay did not help your presentation.

You are writing using word fillers. Word filler sentences and phrases do not really help move your essay forward, but would definitely add to your word count. The extra large word count doesn't matter when the paragraphs are not clear and do not make sense immediately to the reader. Be concise. Clarity scores well, wordy essays never score well due to the forced errors that students end up making.

Word filler samples:

To begin with, there are a number of reasons why government should spend money on medical research. Firstly, these days...
- Unnecessary introduction. All Task 2 essays must start with a clear topic sentence. The examiner does not care for the word fillers. If the vocabulary does not relate to the actual discussion, the extra words do not matter. It just means that you are not familiar enough with the topic to be able to write about it using relevant discussion sentences.

Your second paragraph is a discussion deviation. Remember, you were asked a direct question, to which you disagreed with the discussion. This is not a comparative discussion essay. You are writing a direct, single opinion essay. The two discussion paragraphs should only offer information that proves your dis/agreement with the given statement. There is no middle ground. You cannot use a "maybe" for a response. Specially when you clearly stated a disagreement with the point of view presented. The main problem that will give this essay a failing score is the way that you created your own discussion topic, showing that you did not understand the discussion instructions for the topic provided. The argument you present runs counter to the discussion instruction you were given. This essay will not get a passing TA score because of it. Now, add the grammar and clarity issues of your paragraph to the scoring consideration and you will find that this type of writing will not get a passing score.

Never change the discussion requirements. You are scored on your ability to discuss the essay in the required format. That is why you cannot use a "maybe" or "50/50" response in the discussion. You must always represent a clear position, based on the prompt choices, and support only that position throughout the discussion.

Thanks Holt.
Due to your comments, I realized my problems in this essay.