Please review my Toefl essay. Thanks a lot
DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE WITH THE FOLLOWING STATEMENT?
Universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sports activities as they give to their university libraries.
Although libraries are a great place for students to look up information and increase their knowledge, sports activities also benefit students in many ways. In my opinion, student's sports activities should receive an equal amount of fundings as libraries from university. I feel this way for two reasons, which I will explore in the following paragraphs.
Firstly, sports play a crucial part in improving health for students. Playing regular sports can have a positive impact on both their mental and physical health. It can help stengthen their bones and muscles, which leads to a smaller chance of injury. Furthermore, sports contribute to ensure a healthy heart, and thus, people who play sports are less likely to suffer from heart diseases in their later life. In addition, playing sports also allows students to unwind after stressful hours in class. For instance, I usually play volleyball afterschool because it helps me refresh my mind and be more energetic. That is the reason why I think sports is essential in students' life.
Secondly, sports activities enable students to expand their social relationships. Participating in sports clubs in school provides students the opportunity to meet and befriend new people. Take my younger brother as an example, he joined a scoccer club in highschool and met some other boys who have the same interest. Since they were members in a team, they not only played scoccer but also experienced all the ups and downs together. They learned to understand and coorporate with each other in order to defeat their opponents. For instance, in every match, they learned to simultaneously perform complex motions pointed towards the same goal. However, no matter what the final results are, they were always together and support each other. As a result, they became close friends. Thanks to the soccer team, my brother had the chance to meet his group of close friends. Hence, sports is undeniably an indispensable part for students and should obtain equal attention as libraries from universities.
In conclusion, I believe that educational institutions should invest the same amount of money in sports activities and in libraries. This is because sports not only enhance students' health both physically and metally but also offer students the opportunies to socialize and broaden their relationships network.Holt Educational Consultant - / 14,835 
4783 Your introduction does not contain a good hook. It is not creative enough to restate the topic and your responses in a manner that actually makes the reader care about what you have to say. Your last sentence in particular, could make the reader walk away from reading the rest of your essay. So how can you improve it? Don't just restate the prompt and say you will discuss the topic. Make it clear that you understand the requirements of the discussion by telling the reader how you feel about the topic immediately. Connect is to something personal. For example, you enjoy reading in the library more than using the sports facilities of the school. Open with that. Use the rest of the essay to explain why. Make it personal. Do not separate yourself from the issue.
For the TOEFL essay, you can present a 3 paragraph discussion to make it easier for you to write the essay:
- Introduction
- Reason
- Conclusion
Focus on the clarity of your explanation. Do not over explain things. Remember that editing the paper is just as important as the clarity of your explanation. Lesser errors in spelling, grammar, and clarity will also help your score. You have several of those errors in this essay that were left unchecked because you thought that by writing 376 words, you would get a better score. The more error free and clearer your reasoning explanation, the better your score. Not the other way around.
