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[IELTS] Equivalent number of two genders in terms of university's learning


SalMon 27 / 113 10  
Jun 30, 2014   #1
Experts :) Would you mind correcting and rating my essay? Thanks a lot in advance!

Topic: Universities should accept equal number of male and female students in every subjects.
To what extent do you agree or disagree?


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In today's world, there has been a growing trend towards the equality between men and women, especially in the field of education. While many people strongly believe that some specific subjects are designated only for one gender therefore universities should provide priority for that gender as regard to the number of students, I profoundly oppose to this notion because it goes against the delineation of "liberty" and may yield negative results on the society as a whole.

The most important reason why universities should allow equal number of male and female in every subject is that, living in the world of freedom, students deserve the rights to choose their wishful majors so as to pursue their dreams, beautify their communities or simply exploit the best of their potentials. In the past, for instance, Vietnamese government only accepted men to go to school that taught politics, foreign languages and cultures, which was morally wrong and resulted in a shortage of female commanders of the uprisings. Feeling confined, or worst, discriminated, people may not be able to discover their true abilities hence be incapacitated to contribute to the society.

Another justification that advocates the balance between men and women when it comes to academic studies is that it secures a healthy nation by sustaining the stability of jobs. On the professional level, to be precise, unless women are provided an equal opportunity to study certain spheres such as technology, politics or economics, when there are vacancies in such vocations that relate to these knowledge, such gaps need to wait to be filled by no one but men which denounces the companies' effiency. Once the chains of productions are postponed, the country itself may suffer from economic crises. Therefore, both genders should be granted the same privillege to study equally to support each other, and also the nation, when neccessary.

In conclusion, it is the right to choose subjects at their own disposal and the social security that calls for an equivalent number of two genders in terms of university's learning. In my opinion, the sooner this practice is put into reality, the better our life will be.
dumi 1 / 6,927 1592  
Jul 1, 2014   #2
. While many people strongly believe that some specific subjects...

This sentence is too very long. Longer the sentence, less its clarity would be. Also, the reader is required to rmember so many details when the sentences are longer and that makes him bored. Write shorter sentences and enhance clarity of your sentences.

The most important reason why universities should allow equal number of male and female students forin every subjectcourse they offer is that, living in the world of freedom, students deserve the rights to choose their wishful majors so as to pursue their dreams, beautify their communities or simply exploit the best of their potentials.


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