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TOEFL Ess; development of housing or industry is also profitable but not healthy


ana_p 27 / 81  
Jun 22, 2012   #1
Hi,

Please check and correct my TOEFL essay.

In your country, is there more need for land to be left in its natural condition or is there more need for land to be developed for housing and industry? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

I think, in my country means in India, there is need for land to be left in its natural condition because current population of India is near about 1.22billlion and it is increasing day by day. Rising population automatically helps to increase housing and industry in country especially in Metro Politian cities. I think that if there will be more land to be left in its natural condition then, it can save us from many problems like health and environmental problems.

To start with, my first reason is health issues. There is saying that, "Healthy Nature, Healthy People" In today's fast paced world, we can see that, people do not have to time to take care of their heath. They are busy in their work and spend their whole day in office sitting under A/c. They are not at all in touch with nature, this causes various health problems. Doctor's suggestion for these issues is to go for walk in fresh air or spend more time in nature. I think that, there is need to take care of nature around us to stay healthy. If there will be more greenery around us instead of buildings and complex then we can save ourselves from such health problems.

We hardly can see open places or grounds in Metro Politian cities. Not only Metro Politian cities but many small villages are also turning into big cities by developing housing and industries. Everywhere there is buildings and commercial complexes. People need to go far away from their place to feel natural beauty such as on hills stations and national parks. Nowadays, these places are also becoming crowded. People started many small businesses there and they think that home should also be near from work place so they started moving to such places. This disturbs nature's beauty which causes environmental imbalances. Nowadays, we can feel effects of global warming. All these are due to human creations. I think, one day will come when there will not be land in its natural condition. This can have dangerous effect on us. So, to stay away from such dangerous situation there is a need to maintain environmental balance.

Finally, it is true that, development of housing or industry is also profitable but not healthy. I believe that health comes first and to stay healthy maintaining environmental balance is important and we can maintain that by keeping some land in its natural condition.

Thank,
Ana.

OP ana_p 27 / 81  
Jun 22, 2012   #2
Dear all,

This is essay should be under the category of Graduate admission OR Writing Feedback.I am sorry, I wrongly posted it under the category of undergraduate admissions. I forget to change it while posting. Can anyone please tel me that how to change it..? OR If we cannot then please consider it in above categories.

Thanks,
Ana.
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Jun 22, 2012   #3
It's okkkkkk... let it be so because others can see your topic is something to do with TOEFL. However, when you post a new essay do it under writing feedback category :)

, in my country means in India

Just say- in my country, India, ....

Rising population automatically helps to increase housing and industry in country especially in Metro Politian cities.

I think that if there will be more land to be left in its natural condition then, it can save us from many problems like health and environmental problems.

Your introduction meets many of expected features in a TOEFL essay. You give a brief description about the issue and you state clearly your opinion regarding the argument. However, you can convince the reader to take your side of the argument better, if you say something to the effect consuming most of the country's land for these purposes has imposed a great threat on environmental related issues and then talk about them. So , just insert a sentence between the last one and the one before it to establish a link and improve your flow of ideas.... Anyways... good intro :)
OP ana_p 27 / 81  
Jun 25, 2012   #4
Thank you so much Duminda..:)

That was very useful... I will try to insert that sentences and rewrite my essay.

Ana.


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