Task: Nowadays young adults seem to prefer to spend their leisure time on shopping. Why? Does shopping have more negative or positive features?
Consumerism is one of the phenomena that younger generation has to deal with as soon as they become financially independent. Although shopping sprees as a form of entertainment are not new to the society in general, it seems to have gained special popularity among young adults. The reasons vary from economic growth, enhanced shopping options to simple psychology, and can be both worrying and exciting.
Reason number one is that people in their twenties buy things because the process is quick and easy. Nowadays even browsing social networks can turn into shopping, and the credit card payment is made in seconds. Another example is that shopping malls are equipped with cinemas, skating rings and other recreational facilities. People are tricked into buying something on their way to entertainment, and the line between shopping and having fun might become even thinner.
Psychologists usually warn young people to be more considerate when buying goods. If compulsive shopping gets out of hand, it becomes a condition called shopoholism. Sometimes, people need to be admitted to the hospital to deal with the problem.
Madness or not, to the best of my knowledge, shopping is not that bad. Economic growth has ensured that there are money to spend and things to buy. It means prosperity, so somehow young people need to learn to manage their wealth. Learning is never easy and mistakes are made along the way. But that is just a part of the process. Unnecessary things can be returned to the shops, given to somebody else or recycled. The only thing that remains irreversible in this situation is time spent. On the other hand, it can also be called experience, and that is another good thing to be rich in.
So all in all, young adults may be sometimes criticized for how they spend their leisure time, but that can be a part of gaining experience. Shopping is not an evil. Every generation has their lessons to learn.
I have mixed feelings about your essay. On one hand, I can learn a lot from your fancy writing style. But, the reasoning in your essay wasn't strong enough. I would say this essay can get a 6 if the exam is in a good mood. There are lots to improve. Following is some of my thoughts.
My major comments:
+ The 1st body paragraph is about how quick and easy the buying process is, but the skating rings and cinema is not illustrate that point. The process is easy and "it is easy to be temped" are completely different things.
+ Without a concrete topic sentence for "Does shopping have more negative or positive features?", you can confused the reader when they start reading the 2nd body paragraph. Should do what the exam expects us to do. The same happens to the 3rd paragraph, because "Madness or not" is uncalled for, so consider removing it
Some trivial personal comments:
+ Using 2 sentences to draw a general scheme in the opening is not the best choice.
+ I suggest "younger generations" (plural) in the 1st sentence (or the young(er) generation)
+ "The reasons (for this - I suggest) ... can be both worrying and exciting." The question is "Does shopping have ...", not does the reasons ..., and it sounds awkward to me anw.
+ "Reason number one" - this is speaking language, consider switching to "The first reason"
+ "...because the process is quick..." I agree that Joel Embiid is fast, but you need to specify "the buying/purchase process"
+ You made an assumption that consumerism is a problem (which is, to me, controversial), and that young adults are supposed to deal with it (I don't think only the young, or the old, or any specific group are supposed to).
+ "shopping is not that bad" is for speaking only.
+ "But that is just a part of the process" what process, I feel lost 0.o
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,941 3570
Viktoria, this essay basically entered deviation territory when it ignored the direct questions being asked in the original prompt and then proceeded to discuss your own understanding of what the instructions are about. Let's be clear here. Nothing in your essay can be considered a response to the original prompt. It was neither interpreted properly in the restatement, nor did it respond to the given questions as part of the thesis statement. It should have been indicated in the paraphrase as:
Millenials have come to be known as a generation of new adults who spend their free time purchasing items. The reason behind this is their financial independence at an early age. Since they do not tend to have good financial decision making skills yet, I see this spending habit of theirs as a negative feature. I will explain in more detail below.
Knowing how to write is different from knowing what to write. Knowing what to write requires an understanding of the question. Once you understand the question, you will know how to respond to it. What you have shown is that you know how to write but not what to write. That is because you clearly misunderstood the question or did not understand it which is why you wrote an essay so far from the original prompt requirements. This would result in a failing score for your essay in an actual setting. Work on your English comprehension skills before you proceed with your practice tests. Understanding what you need to write is more important than simply knowing that you can write in English. The latter is useless unless you have a clear idea about what you have to write about. Here is a tip, these types of questions are a single opinion essay. Start from there.
Hi Holt, I see that you use "I see", "I will" in your sample. Some may say that doesn't sound academic, do you agree or disagree (I disagree)
Holt Educational Consultant - / 10,941 3570
Nguyen, an essay, such as a such direct question essay or combination public pov and personal opinion requires a first person reference as per the original prompt instructions. First pronoun usage is a must. There is no way to discuss a personal opinion without presenting your original mindset. That is why I always advice my students to be clear with their ownership discussions. What that means is use first person references for personal opinion requirements and second or third person references for public opinions.
Now, what I explained is my teaching style. Other teachers do it in other or similar ways. While there is no right or wrong way of writing the response easy, I believe that personal pronouns must be used for clarity where required. It is a reference that helps with coherence and cohesiveness in the essay. The reader needs to know who is speaking at all times and it shows that the writer understood the writing and pronoun requirements of the prompt. It increases the TA score when such clarity in discussion references are indicated throughout the essay as well.
If the student agrees with that writing style and is comfortable with it, then great. However, if he agrees to a different writing style based on his teacher's instructions or his own writing style then that's alright too. I found though that my students all had almost perfect and perfect IELTS scores using my aforementioned writing style.