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Evaluate my ielts writing task 2 essay about health and diet topic

huyenanhmcqn 1 / -  
Aug 6, 2022   #1
In some countries an increasing number of people are suffering from health problems as a result of eating too much fast food. It is therefore necessary for governments to impose a higher tax on this kind of food.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

In the modern life, many countries have reported a large number of people contracting diseases relating to eating too much fast food. This problem leads to controversial opinions whether taxes be imposed on this kind of food or not. Personally, I partially agree with this point of views.

On the one hand, taxing unhealthy food brings several benefits to the health of the citizens. If the price of junk food increase dramatically, people will be deterred from consuming it and will instead prepare food at home or have other healthier choices . Moreover, the expenditure on this kind of food can be later used by government and local councils to allocate funds to the maintenance of fitness facilities as well as the construction of the new ones. In other words, imposing taxes on unhealthy food will cultivate a life - time habit of refraining from junk food and people will also become more interested in engaging in physical activities because of invested health infrastructure.

On the other hand, eating junk food is not the only cause leading to healthy problems. Firstly, many people are in habit of practicing sedetary lifestyle and rarely do exercises. In addition, the knowledge related to food and nutrition is blissfully ignored by a considerable number of people. As a result, these people run a high risk of contracting serious diseases and obessity. Futhermore, the pressure of the modern life also discourage people from leading a healthy lifestyle as they tend to choose unhealthy food for the sake of time - saving due to the overloaded amount of work and lack of time to take care of themselves. Besides, if the government impose a higher taxation schemes on junk food, there will be a decline in the middle and lower income families' consumption of this type of food, while the affluent consumers are not significantly affected. This means that the tax schemes are only effective with specific groups of people.

In conclusion, while imposing taxes can bring some obvious advantages to our health, I believe that there are also some factors that contribute to health problems as well as this action can cause a problem related to the socal classes.
Holt  Educational Consultant - / 13,210 4317  
Aug 6, 2022   #2
The first paragraph includes a reference to a total, not partial, prompt topic restatement. That means that the writer cannot use any part of the original prompt in his version. The retelling must be an original thought that does not contain any cut and paste references to the original words used. Doing so will result in a lower topic restatement score because the examiner will believe that the writer cannot compose an original paragraph and can only cut and paste words from the original to complete his version. There is also an incorrect reference to "controversial opinions". There is no such exaggerated reference in the original. This will mark down the original opinion restatement because of the deviation from the simple idea statement. Do not over do the emotional state of any opinion unless it is indicated in the original reference. The writer's opinion is incomplete as it does not include a reference to the summary discussion ideas that will support his opinion. This must be stated to help clarify the basis of the writer's opinion in the short form presentation.

The overall writing will be scored based on a partially developed explanation. That is because the writer failed to solidly defend his opinion using a single point of view defense. This was never supposed to be discussed as a comparative essay. There was no reference to "discuss both views" or "Do the advantages outweigh..." which are the only prompts that use the comparative method of reasoning. The essay may not receive a passing score due to these mistakes in writing approach. This will be the result even as his supporting opinion paragraph is believable enough and tries its best to convince the reader of its correctness.
Iloveielts 8 / 16 1  
Aug 6, 2022   #3
The first one is the mistakes with vocabularies. : sedentary lifestyle, and it usually goes with lead a sedentary lifestyle
obesity not obesety in your essay. ==> these mistakes will affect badly your essay points./ social not socal
(2): the conclusion is still confusing. You need to have at least 3 sentences in the last paragraph : the 1st is good but you should add a recommendation or a prediction in the future, it may be more persuasive

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