'evaluate the teachers' performance instead of improving the salary of teachers

Do you agree or disagree that there should be an increase of teachers' salary for promoting education quality? Use specific reasons and details to develop your assay.

Teachers play vital roles in the current education system. Some thus argue that the government should increase the teachers' salary in order to improve education quality. Certainly money is a major incentive for workers to work harder. But I disagree with this argument because no concrete evidence suggests that teachers with higher salary definitely perform better. Moreover, even if salary can facilitate teachers to improve their teaching, other factors in education system, such as prejudice on certain subjects, may be a bigger issue compared to teachers' performance.

It is too naive to assume that raising teachers' incomes can induce them to devote more passions in education. If the government gives all teachers higher salary without any differences, for these teachers, they can get additional money without changing or ameliorating anything. In other words, there are no strong motives for them to improve their teaching quality. As a result, I believe the government should establish a rating system to assess teachers' performance, and then decide who should receive higher salary. It is reasonable to increase good teachers' incomes. In contrast, bad teachers should be punished rather than rewarded.

In addition, the main problem in education may not result from teachers, but from other factors. For example, in Taiwan, the whole education system places too much emphasis on some academic subjects such as Mathematics and Chemistry. Other subjects such as Arts and Physical Education sometimes are largely ignored. Increasing teachers' earnings cannot solve this problem because this prejudice is rooted deeply in the society. An effective solution should instigate public awareness that subjects form different fields are all of great importance for students.

In a nutshell, I disapprove of the idea that raising teachers' salary can ameliorate the education system. The government should not only meticulously evaluate the teachers' performance, but also analyze education problems in order to provide effective amendments.

Hi,
Ofcourse you can have many examples followed by "such as". For example,

Teachers' performance depend on many factors such as their committment, knowledge, attitude etc.

you better have some examples in the following sentence using such as; Moreover, even if salary can have a positive influence on enhancing the quality of teaching, other factors in the society may also affect the quality of education such as ....

You write very well and you have excellent vocabulary. I think you are preparing for IELTS or TOEFL. If so, you dont worry 'cause you would go for a very good score!