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Need evaluation on my 4 latest essays from Writing Task


sfinosg 1 / 1  
Feb 1, 2014   #1
Hello, I will take exams in 15 days and I am nervous. I don't know why :D I need a Band of 6 at least. I will post here my last 2 writing tasks. So, if you want to evaluate or suggest anything, I will appreciate it.

Writing Test 1
Task 1:
The bar chart below gives information about the number of students studying Computer Science at a UK university between 2010 and 2012. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant. (link to the chart --> ielts-exam[dot]net/images/graphs/IELTS_Writing_Task_1_138.png)

Answer:
The bar chart illustrates the amount of the undergraduates of Computer Science in a faculty of United Kingdom from 2010 to 2012.

To begin with, international male students followed an upward trend, whereas British male students have a fluctuation between 2010 and 2012. The number of international students was 20 in 2010 and increased slightly to 25 in one year. By 2012 the number had doubled to about 40 international students. In 2010, home male students were approximately 40, followed by a significant decrease of 15 students. After that, a recovery in the amount of students began, reaching the peak of just below 45 students.

In contrast, both British and international female students followed similar trends over this period. The amount of international female undergraduates was 15 in 2010 and increased steadily until the 20 students in 2012. As for the home students, they started from 30 in 2010, followed by a rapid increase of 15 students where the figure reached a peak of 45 students.

To recapitulate, while men students followed diverse trends, they ended up with a similar amount in 2012, whereas female students followed the same trend, but British outnumbered the international students.

Task 2:
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement? Parents are the best teachers. Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

Answer:

In recent years, there is an argument that parents are better educators than the real teachers, because parents know their kinds better than anyone. However, I agree with that up to a point.

A parent should be a perfect teacher for his/her own kid until the completion of the elementary school. Until the age of 12, a child tries to create a unique personality by mimicking his/her parents. Thus, a parent may teach a child easier than anyone else. In addition, in that age, families teach a kid about the principles of his/her life and how one can be independent. As a result, at this age kids are more likely to listen their own parents instead of their teachers.

Nevertheless, at the adolescent's era, youths are fragile and their parents' love may interrupt with the appropriate way of teaching. Moreover, teachers at school have been educated with the knowledge and the latest teaching methods to aid children developing and improving their skills. Furthermore, teenagers use to be socials and spend even more time away from their parents, thus teachers know their potentials better than parents owning to the amount of time they hang out with them.

In conclusion, while parents have done a great effort to grow up their children, to teach them the principles of life and to help them to be a part of the community, real teachers have to take care of their education after a certain age. Ideally, parents should read and learn about the latest teaching methods to avoid mistakes that can harm the child in his/her early ages.

Writing Test 2

Task 1:

The bar chart below shows the results of a survey to find out why Chinese and Indian university students want to learn English at university. The survey had 10,000 participants. (link to the chart --> britishcouncil[dot]org/tw-exams-ielts-how-to-prepare-for-ielts-ie lts-tips-writing-issue-5-694x537-graphic.jpg)

Answer:

The graph illustrates the answers of Chinese and Indian students in an analysis of why they opt for learning English at university. Overall 10.000 students answered the questions. Most of them prefer English to improve their job prospects and only a few for enjoyable.

The most striking feature is the contrast on the answer in the category enjoyable. Almost 85% of Chinese students chose this reason, whilst only one in five Indian students enjoys the studying of English. Moreover, just under of 70% students from China feel that English studying improves their own language and their general studies. In contrast, 40% and 20% of Indian students chose them respectively.

Furthermore, categories useful for work and travel and improves job prospects follow a similar trend in both countries. Approximately 90% of students from China opted for these answers to the survey, whereas only half of the Indians students answered the same. Finally, the proportion of 70% Chinese believes that English studying improves their personal development. However, only half of the Indians believe the same.

To recapitulate, Chinese percentages are higher than Indians' with the most popular answer the improvement of their job prospects. A small minority on 20% of Indian students enjoy the course.

Task 2:
Nowadays for many people the Internet is replacing regular books. What do you think will happen in the future and what is your opinion about this trend?

Answer:
Admittedly, in recent years, the improvement of the technology has turned many people to opt for the web to read their favorite books online. I believe that this behavior may lead to more advantages than disadvantages in the future.

Many enterprises tried to exploit the rapid improvement of the technology and the spread of the web. Tech companies have invested on portable devices such as tablets and e-books readers. Local book shops are turned to online shops every day in every corner on the earth. Apparently, local libraries will be vanished and new online libraries will take their places to let users borrow and buy books easier than before.

Whilst some people are of the opinion that this is an entirely unacceptably practice, I strongly believe that the replacing of regular books with the web can lead to a better world. Autistic children or people with sight disabilities shall use the improved technology of tablets to read without a big effort a book, which is not feasible at the moment with the real books. In addition, electronic books don't have any printing cost, thus a lower price will make them more accessibles to people with financial problems. Furthermore, if fewer books will be printed in the future, deforest phenomenon will be solved smoother. Moreover, if people have so many books on demand, they will probably buy more than now.

In the nutshell, as long as technology improved, we expect more tools that can make our life easier and provide a cheaper living cost. Libraries will be disappeared, but online services such as e-libraries will take their places. I am convinced that this new trend will help more people to have access in a great variety of books.

eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Feb 1, 2014   #2
hi there...

As you give the link, I have tried to click it, but I couldn't get into it. It would be grateful if you could attach the pict rather than the link. So, we see what the visual writing shows about.

I have notice a few details

the amount of the undergraduates

.. "amount of" should be followed by uncountable noun.

from 2010 to 2012.

... a period of two years, from 2010 to 2012.

The bar chart illustrates the amount of the undergraduates of Computer Science in a faculty of United Kingdom from 2010 to 2012.

The data provide information about the a group of students categorized by gender majoring in Computer Science at a UK university during a period of two years, from 2010 to 2012.

IELTS visual writing asks you put an overview .

This pattern can be used to construct your writing:
Introduction ---> Overview ---> Body 1 ---> Body 2
or
Introduction ---> Body 1 ---> Body 2 ---> Overview

Thanks
OP sfinosg 1 / 1  
Feb 1, 2014   #3
Thank you for your comments. I understand my mistakes now. Here are the images. I don't know why the links don't work now. If you could choose a band score, for each of them, what will you choose?

Thank you again :)





Fardhani Putri 23 / 46 7  
Feb 1, 2014   #4
...because parents know their kids better than anyone

I think it's your opinion ...you can write your opinion after you paraphrase the topic

However, I agree with that up to a point.

because parents know their kids better than anyone
Then, I think use word children /child better than kid/kids

A parent should be a perfect teacher for his/her own kid until the completion of the elementary school. Until the age of 12, a child tries to create a unique personality by mimicking his/her parents. Thus, a parent may teach a child easier than anyone else. In addition, in that age, families teach a kid about the principles of his/her life and how one can be independent. As a result, at this age kids are more likely to listen their own parents instead of their teachers.

I think in this paragraph, too much repetition word about kid/child...maybe you can use complex sentences
dumi 1 / 6,928 1592  
Feb 2, 2014   #5
Hey.... this is not a good thing to do. Have separate threads for each and every essay of yours. That is the forum rule too and that's the best way for you to earn more comments from others. This is pretty confusing for us to give you comments. You are still not too late to do that. I wish you open fresh threads and copy paste your 2nd and 3rd essays.
Pahan 1 / 1,907 553  
Feb 2, 2014   #6
The bar chart illustrates the amountnumber of the undergraduates of Computer Science in a faculty of United Kingdom from 2010 to 2012.
Your first essay (IELTS Task 1 - Local and International students) needs improvement in terms of its structure.


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