Hello everyone, this is the first time I have posted on this forum. can you help me to find mistakes? Thank you so much
Topic:
new technologies have changed the way children spend their free time.
Do advantages outweigh disadvantages?
These days, there is no doubt that the coming of state-to-the-art technology has significantly impacted on how youngsters use their recreational activities. Personally, the drawbacks of these changes are more outstanding than the benefits.
On the one hand, the onset of the digital age has brought some certain values to the juveniles. Most importantly, they can have room to become well- rounded ones regarding the modern technological area. Particularly, playing some skilled-based games will help the adolescents brainstorm frequently which leads to the improvement of the mental faculties and enhancement of electronic skills. Provided that being competent at digital devices in the modern ages, the children would make a success of your future as well as earn a great deal. Therefore, this is an undeniable benefit for children that we all appreciate.
On the other hand, the youngsters have to face some incredibly unavoidable minus points. Firstly, the children virtually stick their eyes on the computer screen instead of having shared-time with their family and friends. It is common that if exposed frequently, they can be addicted completely by some appealing games and online world causing the self- isolation from the whole society and the harmful habit. For instance, some children may harm dramatically their surrounding people by negative game-related activities and even be cured by psychological doctors. Furthermore, making use of modern facilities may lead to the deterioration of juveniles' health. One of them is an increasing number of eye-sighted kids because of making use of modern equipment, which can strike fear into the parents' heart. Such disadvantages can become concerns for many people.
To sum up, although there are some benefits associated with technological evolution, I strongly believe that the minus points almost overshadow the plus ones. it is also important for everyone to keep these changes under control.@Bich Ngoc 9898
Hello there. Welcome to the forum! I hope you find the feedback you find here to be helpful for your writing endeavors in the long-run. If you have any follow-up questions, don't hesitate to approach us for more.
First and foremost, I already appreciate the introductory paragraph of your essay. I find that your straightforward and yet creative approach to writing will bring you to places. Keep this up!
In hindsight, I only suggest that you try to incorporate more concrete examples in your essay. It would be more beneficial if you would be able to expound more your thoughts through having real-world details incorporated throughout.
Having said that, I also think that you need to work on adding more details to your concluding remarks. Notice how imbalanced your writing appears to be. The third paragraph needs to be trimmed down for you to have more space in the initial parts of your essay. Doing this would certainly go a long way for your writing.
