Hi everyone, this is my first time to write an essay after so many years. I'm practicing how to write a writing task 2 for IELTS exam. In my essay, I only used simple words to prevent unnecessary mistakes. I would really appreciate any comments, suggestions or corrections for this.
The Task Description goes like this:
Some people think that children should begin their formal education at a very early age and should spend most of their time on school studies. Others believe that young children should spend most of their time playing. Compare these two views. Which do you agree with? Why?
play instead of study
Education, like air, food and shelter is really essential to every individual. It builds and molds a person's being. People tend to spend more time at school than at home. Basically, going to school should be the top priority of every parents for their children. However, I believe that children should also have their quality time on play grounds because children only get to be young once in a lifetime.
Making peers is just one of the reasons why kids should spend their time playing. When a kid goes to a playground, he meets other kids with the same interests and that starts a new relationship called friendship wherein when in school, he only call his peers as "classmates". In every perspective, I think that friends are better than the latter.
Another reason is that playing helps create camaraderie. If a child can follow orders from a leader or be a leader himself without having conflicts with others, he tends to do it until he grows old. Learning how to mingle with other people and make a trusting relationship will help a child in a big way in his adulthood.
Lastly, going to a playground to play even for just a couple of hours makes a child become physically fit. As we all know, child's play involves running, jumping, leaping, walking, passing through holes, climbing, some screaming and a lot of laughing. These activities help a child build stronger muscles and bones by being active and also prevent him from obesity.
Therefore, I strongly believe that children should go and play rather than going to school to study at such a very young age. Every child has the right to enjoy his youth and make the most out of it.Hi there! Your essay is quite good. :D You can add a bit more information.
Okay, so, in the 2nd paragraph you can add that - Letting children have some fun time besides school can teach them valuable lessons. For example, they learn to share things like toys or they face new situations which teaches them how to react in similar situations in the future.
Classmates can also be friends.
I am a bit confused about this essay. What age is exactly a very young age? When young children start studying it doesn't particularly mean that they have a lot to study for. In todays world, young children study and play at the same time at school!!!!! You know, the learn-through-playing stuff I am talking about. I think, besides saying that you completely agree on letting children play at a very young age, you can also find some balance between studying and playing because you are supposed to compare 2 separate views. Your essay lacks that part.
Otherwise, this one is quite good!
thank you..much appreciated.. :)
maybe i just got confused because the task description said formal education, so the "learn-through-playing" didn't cross my mind..
this has been my first essay since a very long time, but I think I'm getting the hang of it after this.. i'll try to make some more, i hope you can give some tips again then.. thanks again.. :D
Education, like air, food and shelter is really essential to every individual. ---------I have a small problem about treating education as something like air, food and shelter. Air, food and shelter are essentials without which we cannot live and survive. But education is not necessary for one to live. However, without any doubt it is essential for one to be successful in life.
Basically, goingsending children to school should be thea top priority of every parentsfor their children .
When a kid goes to a playground, he meets other kids with the samesimilar interests and that startsis the beginning of a new relationship called friendship whereinaswhen in school, he only calls his peers as "classmates".------------This sentence is too long. Better you split it to two.
InFrom every perspective, I think that " friends" are better than the latter"class mates".
Young people tend to spend more time at school than at home.
Basically, sending their children to school should be a top priority for every parent.
Making friends is just one of the reasons why kids should spend their time playing.
When a child goes to a playground, he meets other children with the same interests and that starts a new relationship called friendship wherein when in school, he only calls his peers as "classmates".
In every perspective, I think that friends are better than the latter.---Do you mean that having friends is better than merely having classmates?
Learning how to mingle with other people and form trusting relationships will help a child in a big way in his adulthood.
Lastly, going to a playground to play even for just a couple of hours, helps a child become physically fit.
Therefore, I strongly believe that children should go and play rather than going to school to study at such a very young age. Every child has the right to enjoy his youth and make the most out of it.---Do you mean that children should start school at a later age than they do now? Or that when they are very young, they should be allowed much more play time?
Good luck in school, and have fun!
:)
thank you all so much for the suggestions and corrections.. pls keep them coming so the next time i write an essay, it will be much better..
