The This proverb which may be
While there are a huge number of benefits
to of finding a position in workforce straight after graduation
seem hard to find a job
find it hard to secure a job
It can be understood knowing that many college graduates seem hard to find a job. In fact, they graduated with a good GPA. In Indonesia, for instance, at least 360000 new graduates are still unemployed.
I find these two sentences are not coherent with the paragraph.
find their career develop more rapidly.
have a better future career prospect.
numbers a number of the inhabitants
Juveniles who are apt to study at university firmly believe that the best way to find a job with competitive salary which end up prosperities is education
This sentence depicts the same idea as your previous sentence.
To illustrate, world challenging needs the contribution of professional people who have high qualifications. For example, it is not viable to reach high technologies without the assistance of experts.
You could give an example of how knowledge from university or college are required in workplace, such as data processing skill or presentation skill, which I think is more convincing.
there is more a great possibility to whom it may have higher levels of education to be successful.
I have to reiterate that students who choose to continue to study further after their graduation are more likely to have a successful career.