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[Toefl] By excessive use of cars in the roads, the number of accident has increased.


hamedmas 27 / 58 19  
Sep 13, 2014   #1
Hi every one , please give me your feedback about my essay:)

Some people think that the automobile has improved modern life. Others think that the automobile has caused serious problems. What is your opinion? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

However, automobiles have an important effect on lifestyle as an comfortable vehicle, but as far as I am concerned about the negative effect of using this technology on quality of our life. Pollution, noisiness, and accidents are most important problems caused by cars, which affect both human and environment.

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vangiespen - / 4,137 1449  
Sep 13, 2014   #2
Hamed, why are you opening your introductory statement with an argument? You have not presented any introduction to the topic nor thesis statement yet. Never use however to open a paragraph unless you have presented an opposing point of view previously. You need to restructure this paragraph.

Increased amount of greenhouse gases (...) for human beingsin the earth.By this , theThe weather has been warmer and many ices havesbeen melted recently. As a result, arrival this technology ...

- As a result, the development of this technology has brought along serious problems for the environment.

However, cars make easier for translation, but traffic in big cities ... .

- This paragraph requires a number of corrections. You used However properly in this instance. You have repetitive information in the paragraph that I feel you need to replace with other information in order to make a solid argument.

- However, while cars make transportation easier, it has also caused severe traffic in big cities. Noise pollution coming from the car horns and exhaust pipes also create a nuisance that people have to put up with.

Accidents are another problem of automobiles. Every year ...

- This is a weak use of accidents in an argument. Unless you can provide statistics to prove your claim, you are making unfounded accusations. Add more information to this paragraph to make it valid.

Your conclusion is a mess. You should never conclude with a question. Just summarize the content and restate your thesis.
OP hamedmas 27 / 58 19  
Sep 14, 2014   #3
Hamed, why are you opening your introductory statement with an argument?

Hi Lousia :)
I agree with you:) I missed out this part from introduction.

Your conclusion is a mess. You should never conclude with a question. Just summarize the content and restate your thesis.

Actually i found some essay in which the end of the essay is accompanies with a challenging question. So I decided to bring a question in the end of essay. I did not know it makes disorders :(

Actually now in Iran is so late to correct my essay. I will correct my essay in the morning and put here .:)
OP hamedmas 27 / 58 19  
Sep 15, 2014   #4
the new version!
Nowadays automobiles are the most important type of transportation. However, automobiles have an important effect on lifestyle as a an important role to transfer people easy, but as far as I am concerned about the negative effect of using this technology on quality of our life. Pollution, noisiness, and accidents are most important problems caused by cars, which affect both human and environment.

Most cars make pollution by producing greenhouse gases and contaminating environments. Increased amount of greenhouse gases became one of the major problems for human beings in the earth. The weather has been warmer and ices melted recently. As a result, the development of this technology caused serious problems for the environment.

However, cars make transportation easier , but it also caused severe traffic in big cities. Therefore, People have to spend more time in streets when they want to go their home or work. Noise pollution coming from car horns and exhaust pipe also lead to increase the number of patients who suffer from high blood pressure and heart attack.

Car accidents are another problem, which are caused by automobiles. Every year a large number of people have been died in the roads and highways. Some of recently news and the statistics show that the most important reason of fatality in almost society is related to the accidents happened in the roads and highways. For instance, mortality resulted from car accidents in Iran roads are two times more than deaths caused by natural disasters.

To sum up, although cars became as an unavoidable part of our lives, they become a challenging issue for both humans and environment. By excessive use of cars in the roads, the number of accident has increased. The development of this technology has also created severe traffic and noise pollution.


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