IELTS Task 1 Exercise "comparation among UK student who didn't go into full-time work"

Would you like to give me your correction for my essay?
I highly need your help to find my mistake, not only grammar, but also the idea.
Thank you so much :)
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Further study most popular among graduates

The diagram compares the numbers of UK's graduate and postgraduate students who did not go into full-time work after they had been graduated by university in 2008. The destination of these students, excluding full-time work, could be grouped as part-time work, voluntary work, further study, and unemployment.

Generally, there is a significant difference among those four group in each kind of students. For graduate students, further study had the greatest quantity of students nearly 30.000 students, while voluntary work only ranked last, chosen by 3.500 students. Unemployment taken by 16.235 students was roughly as high as part-time work which was 17.735 students.

Postgraduate students also selected further study as their most destination which took 2.725 students while part-time work was just below it, 2.535 students. Unemployment was in the third with 1.625 students meanwhile voluntary work ranked last, 345 students.

There was a same pattern between graduate and postgraduate student destination in no full-time work that the order from the highest to the smallest destination was further study, part-time work, unemployment, and voluntary work, nevertheless, there was also a different thing. The quantity of part time work of graduate students was near to that of unemployment. For postgraduate students, the numbers of part-time work was just over smaller than that of further study.

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Hi, Ardy.

There are two charts (diagrams) and they don't compare anything. You are the one who's comparing them, so I think "The diagram compares" in first paragraph needs to be revised.

As for this sentence:

"Generally, there is a significant difference among those four group in each kind of students."

I don't see how your second and third paragraph explain this "significant difference".
To me, they seem only stating the number of students for each destination.
What is the difference exactly? I suggest to consider the similarities first, then find the differences. State the differences in concrete examples so that you can write paragraphs about each diffirences.

Rista, the comparison method that you used throughout the essay is the best presentation that I have seen so far of this essay topic. You have clearly analyze the information and presented it in a manner relevant to your chosen discussion within the paragraphs. I will say that though your grammar is not perfect, you did manage to make your presentation more understandable than most to the reader. I have a piece of advice for you. Do not us the term "nevertheless" in a continuing sentence. That term is always used to start a comparison presentation. In this instance, I did not see any comparison following the use of that word so it was misused in the essay. You also should never have a stand alone sentence as you do in this sentence. You must always present complete paragraphs of related discussions otherwise you will get marked down immensely for technical instead of content errors. Based upon this observation, I believe that your essay can be reviewed and considered for a score of 5 overall.

Hi @ardy_rp , Hi @mandyduong , I have read your writing task carefully. This then several suggestions for you:
1. Plis pay attention on article using because it can affect on your lexical resource also:
work after they had been graduated by from university in 2008.

2. Pay attention on the way you compose each sentence in a proper way. It seems to me that there are several sentence with inappropriate structure then makes me confuse as a reader. For instance in the first four sentence in paragraph 4 line 2-4.

3. Keep in your mind that the good paragraph has at least three sentences, that is why, you should applied it in the second paragraph in order to make it perfect.

4. Learn more about 'phrasal verb' to boost your score in lexical resource and use uncommon vocabulary to get a high score in this category.

@ardy_rp
In my point of view, you should paraphrase your introductory paragraph as it is are more likely to be equal with the question, and you also have a few mistakes in grammar especially for Subject Verb Agreement. You should make more comparison among the figures since you just mention the highest and the lowest figures, and you also have to pay attention of using cohesive devices as you tend to use inaccurate cohesive devices.