Unanswered [0] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 4

MY IELTS writing exercise: Interaction that changed by technology


Stephen Chen 2 / 3  
Mar 6, 2012   #1
Hi everyone!

This is my first time pasting my writing exercise here. I am now preparing for my IELTS test and I wish I can get 6.5 this time. So I decide to have more writing exercises. I like writing in English in spite of the difficulties. So please help to achieve my target, thank you!

TOPIC:
Nowadays the way many people interact with each other has changed because of technology.
In what way has technology affected the types of relationships people make?
Has this become a positive of negative development?

MY ESSAY:
There is no doubt that the evolution of the interpersonal relationship has become the attention of the public. For example, an increasing number of people tend to discuss whether the technology makes people more intimate or more indifferent. My opinion is that we should take advantages of the convenience carried by the development of technology but restrain the negative effects on the relationship among the people.

It is wildly believed that technology changes our methods of communication in every aspects. For example, the E-mail eliminate the letters written by hand, MicroBlog plays the roll of sharing informations and interests instead of community activities, and yongsters are accustomed to play online games rather than to attend sports games abroad.

It may cause an estranging society, because more and more people are getting used to make friends on virtual community with those people far from them but neglect to help solving their neighbour's problems. Family members can communicate with each other by video chatting instead of having dinner together. Further more, children who raise in such a circumstance that their needs of entertaining and social contact can be easily satisfied by online games will be lack of communication skills, and their willings to go outside their room to contact with real person will be declined either.

But every coin has it's two sides. Technology is changing the relationships between you and me. It makes the communication more convenient and efficient. We can receive a letter from a friend and just few seconds after he has written it and the whole process is click a button. Video chat can help those people who can hardly meet each other to keep connection without extra cost.

To sum up, technology is always a double-edged sword. We must exploit to the favorable conditions of communication evolutions which carried by the development of technology and avoid unfavorable ones.
Athena - / 83 3  
Mar 6, 2012   #2
Hi Chen,

I read through your essay..I feel that the first para could be made stronger with more material and then you could quote the example.

Further more, children who raiseare raised in such a ....

It makes the communication more convenient and efficient.

Also, at the end, i think you should use 'To Conclude'.

Good Luck on your IELTS Scores! :)
OP Stephen Chen 2 / 3  
Mar 6, 2012   #3
Hi Athena,

Thank you for your advises and I am glad to have a feedback in such a short time.

I doubt that if I add some materials into the first para, it will make the first para two long and complicated without a clear opinion, or maybe your suggestion is simplify the first para and add examples to enhance my own opinion?

Please tell me the difference between 'To Conclude' and 'To Sum Up' . If you have some advises about my expression, please tell me.

Thank you again for your feedback, you really inspire me a lot.
AnnaNew 1 / 1  
Mar 7, 2012   #4
Wow, i like your essay, it is pretty good
I am sure that you will achieve your target:)
And... I will be thankful if you check my essay, i see that your grammar is very good, so i need your opinion)


Home / Writing Feedback / MY IELTS writing exercise: Interaction that changed by technology