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IELTS writing task 2: too much exercises is bad for one's health, do u agree or disagree?

mimemeow 1 / 1  
Dec 5, 2016   #1
This is my first essay of task 2 in IETLS writing part. I need your help to find my improving points in writing skill. Thank you a lot for reading this. :)

Too much exercises is bad for one's health, do u agree or disagree with this statement?

The health benefit of regular exercise and physical activities are hard to ignore but it is impossible to argue against the fact that doing too much exercises also hold unexpected dangers.

First and foremost, too much exercises have negative impact on their physic health. Especially, the damage will be more and more grave if they do exercise in a wrong way that lead to the muscle pain. As well as this, heart needs to work harder to pump blood to their brain. This is mainly because human body has limits and when they heart can't respond anymore, can cause negative effect, their body probably fall into a coma which is also a main reason of heart disease. For example, there are people, who choose to run as much as possible as a way of losing weight, but the result is that, they will possibly take all of these damages above or even die.

Futhermore, the problem is not only badly impact on physic health but also cause serious mental health problem. For instance, being exhausted from getting out of breath, people will lose motivation to run their daily life. This mean that, productivity would certainly decline. Consequenly, too much exercises waste time and excessive consumption of one's energy, which can contribute to a poor health.

In conclusion, I personally believe that the more doesn't mean better, it is wise for people if they decide to do exercise at a suitable intensity, which can brings the best result of working out.

Holt [Contributor] - / 8,175 2311  
Dec 5, 2016   #2
Anh, since this is your first try at the writing task, I will not score you based on the writing band. The reason I will not do that is because I would like to concentrate on pointing our the shortcomings of your essay so you can take note of them for future improvement. These will be the parts that you should be sure to show improvement on when you complete your future writing tasks.

To start with, the introductory paragraph needs to be made stronger. Your paraphrasing of the prompt is not adequate enough. It is too short and does not supply the reviewer with a reference as to the discussion outline that will be undertaken in the essay. An example of an improved paraphrased introduction would be as follows:

While has often been said that exercise is good for the health, recent exercise trends have shown that the opposite of this belief may also be true. There is a growing public opinion that too much exercise could also be bad for one's health. As an observer of the growing exercise trend, I tend to agree that too much exercise could have negative effects on health. I will discuss my reasons for supporting this belief in the following paragraphs.

Kindly take note of the length of the paraphrased introduction. It must be at least 3 sentences long, properly sum up the meaning of the prompt, and deliver your discussion points for the succeeding paragraphs.

You need to practice dividing your paragraphs by placing a space between the discussion topics. The current format of the essay places undue stress on the reader's eyes. Keep in mind that you are also being scored on the presentation of the essay so make sure to add spaces to allow the reader's eyes to breath in between statements. It also helps in the comprehension of your work and allows the reader to easily refer back to certain information within the paragraphs.

Make sure to write a full 5 paragraphs in order to deliver the required number of paragraphs. Each paragraph should have a minimum of 3 sentences, maximum of 5. You will need to adjust the content of your current paragraphs in order to meet this highly specific requirement of the writing task format.

Please always remind yourself that your opinion is not considered the conclusion of the essay. Rather, it is considered either the 3rd of 4th paragraph. So that means you need to be able to provide acceptable information in support of your opinion. Do not rely on a simple concluding statement to represent your opinion and conclusion. You will definitely loose points for that.

As for the conclusion, you need not make it complicated. It is simply the same as your opening statement. You should conclude by simply saying something similar to:

To conclude this essay it is important to take note of the fact that the evidence previously presented in this essay strongly supports the discussion that...

Cover your writing task requirements in the aforementioned manner and I guarantee that you will get at least 6 on your band score in all 4 sections of scoring.
yurikeyuri 43 / 61 2  
Dec 5, 2016   #3
Hello, I give my correction for you

doing too muchmany exercises also hold unexpected danger (the quantifier "much" does not fit with the plural countable noun "exercises", so you must use quatifier "many" in this sentence)

the damage will be more and more grave(there is no meaning in this sentence because "grave" is adjective which must be followed with noun)

Consequenly,consequently too muchmany exercises

which can bringsbring the best result (remember that after modal must use V1)

thank you
OP mimemeow 1 / 1  
Dec 5, 2016   #4
awww, tks you so much <3
Arlen 20 / 40 3  
Dec 6, 2016   #5
Hello, here are my suggestions,

1. You have to state your view- agree or disagree in the first paragraph, it is clear for the reader to understand your following article.
2. Using the punctuation properly, you should use conjunction to connect several sentences.
3. The require of word count is over 250 words in IELTS writing 2, you can try to expand your sentences by giving an example or explaining more detail toward your view.

hope it helps!

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