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'Exercising indoors or outdoors?' -TOEFL essay review


bebetxx 2 / 2  
Jun 2, 2012   #1
Good day sir,

I made an essay for the TOEFL practice on internet and I am interested to review it, and give me a feedback of what should I improve to my grammar and my future essays

Essay topic:
When exercising, some people prefer to exercise indoors at a gym or sports center, and others prefer to exercise outdoors. Compare these two choices. Which do you prefer? Support your answer with specific details.

My essay

In the world there exists millions of people who are practicing to increase their muscles. Because the population is so big, there are a lot of persons who prefer to practice indoor or outdoor. The choose is given by their mentalities. I think the people who prefer in indoor is because they want to see their self in a mirror when they are practicing. Also I think they prefer to be in a gym to see the other persons who practiced for a long period of time, and you can see them building their muscles. So they can know their performance and what they can really do if you will go to a gym. They can see others as a model and maybe they will be motivated more to do sports and to go with a frequency to a gym center.

To do outdoor for me means to make practice at your home, or in a yard. If you will not go to a gym center then you must not pay hundreds of dollars per month only to go and to make some muscles, because you can do at your home. I think the most important is the motivation to create a perfect body not where and with who you make muscles. I think a person who will try to do gym annually they spend about one or two thousands of dollars. For example I prefer to stay at home and to make gym by my self without any couch or trainer(because you must pay him) and I can train how much I can do in that day. I payed for a halter about 30 bucks, and I bought two of them, and I can practice in each day using it, trying to build a perfect body.

In conclusion the advantages if you will make an outdoor practice is that you will not pay o a lot of money for a couch and tools to make body building, because usually it is very expensive. You can do at any time you want, so you will not to be scheduled to a specific time, because maybe you are bussy in that time. A dissavantage is that you will not have a couch but this is not a problem because you can download and view different movies of well known trainers of body building on your computer. They explain exactly what you will need to do, and it is free. Using money saved in one year then you can buy a sophisticated tool to increase your body's muscles faster.

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 673 148  
Jun 2, 2012   #2
Hi,
The essay has only one paragraph at the body. A body should involve at least three paragraphs. I think you should improve the structure of the essay at the first step. The topic asks to discuss two viewpoints and compare them. So, the structure that I wrote below, can be an appropriate one for writing about such topic:

1) Introduction:Motivator+restate the topic+blueprint
2) Body (consists of three paragraphs: a) discuss the first viewpoint, b)discuss the second viewpoint, and c) compare the views and give your opinion. You should also mention that you agree with which one)

3) conclusion (Reword the first paragraph or the topic and then write an ending statement

Regards
Ahmad


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