Hi Kay Jay,
1. This is a good writing, but it seems to me that your essay could be too short and may not be meeting the word count requirement for the task. Remember, your score may be reduced if you write less.
2. You need a strong 'thesis statement' in your introduction, and it should be answer the question.
Do the advantages of this outweigh the disadvantages?
However, there are some pros and cops by doing this.
The question asks you about 'advantages-disadvantages', but your thesis statement is 'pros-cons'. In my opinion, this is out of topic. So, make sure you understand the question then brainstorming and planning first before writing.
Hope this helps you to get a high score :)