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Explain some of the difficulties of living in a city. How can governments make urban life better?

layeghi 1 / -  
Dec 26, 2017   #1
Hi could you help me what is my score of this IELTS essay?

More and more people are migrating to cities in search of a better life, but city life can be extremely difficult.Explain some of the difficulties of living in a city. How can governments make urban life better for everyone?

problems in the cities

In recent years, many numbers of people move to cities in terms of better living. Since cities are more crowded, some problems will be accorded. Thus, there are the needs of governments to improve the quilty of life.

People who migrate to cities may have faced with a variety difficulties. The cost of living and another thing like food and clothes in big cities are usually higher than they are in small towns. Another issue is that while big cities are always crowded, the air is polluted continuously by private cars and transportation system. For instance, in Tehran, many people suffer from this problem, and most of them have respiratory disease. As a result, city life can be unhealthy and costly.

However, there are various steps that governments should do to tackle these problems. Firstly, they should build affordable apartments for middle-income families because of reducing the cost of housing. Secondly, they should improve the transportation system especially metro system and encourage people to use it for routine works to decrease air pollution. For example, for a while, the mayor of Shiraz (a populous city in Iran) has reduced the cost of metro tickets for encouraging citizens using metro instead of using cars for going around. Thirdly, they must create green space as much as they can because parks are known as a place for releasing stress. Furthermore, its trees can help to reduce fume gas.

In conclusion, cities are always are growing because of increasing population. Therefore, there will be happening some problems and government should do things to solve those to improve the quality of life for citizens.

Hiwi_Life 9 / 28 6  
Dec 26, 2017   #2

First there are grammatical errors which you can enhance with the help of some online grammar checks to understand and correct your errors.
Starting your essay with paraphrasing is a good thing but still there exists a room for improvement on that. Be sure about the necessity of your sentence which says "for instance in Tehran" and "For example, for a while, the mayor of Shiraz (a populous city in Iran) ", I think it will be best to give a generalized example rather than specific one and try to review your conclusion in a better way in the form like "Even if the life in cities would be difficult, peoples will still migrate to the cities in the search of a better life ...".
Holt [Contributor] - / 7,505 1933  
Dec 26, 2017   #3
Amin, the overall score for this essay will not be higher than a 5 because of a number of shortcomings in your presentation. The first, is that your opening paraphrase is complete in terms of the thought process and idea presentation. The problem is that you did not accurately develop the sentences in a manner that would have allowed the reader to understand what you were trying to say during the first pass reading. The sentence structure needs work in terms of presenting coherent sentences using appropriate vocabulary.

Rather than discussing two ideas per paragraph, it would be better if you opted to pick your strongest discussion point, in terms of reasons, supporting data, and relevant examples. The second paragraph would have been effectively presented if you decided to discuss the situation in Tehran instead of the economic problem then the air pollution. Or, you could have discussed the tough financial situation that comes with living in an urbanized setting with relevant examples instead. Both could have worked well, provided you focused on developing only one discussion point for the paragraph.

The same problem exists in your third paragraph, you needed to choose only one solution as it applies to the situation you presented earlier. That way you could have presented a fully developed solution instead of the current "implied" and little developed solutions to the problem.

The essay lacks a 3rd paragraph in the body section which would have helped to effectively strengthen your discussion. You could have placed the second solution in this section, provided it remained relevant to the problem you presented in the previous paragraphs.

Your concluding paragraph needs to be better developed by presenting a summary of the solutions you provided. That way you would have properly summarized the discussion that you presented in the essay. By accomplishing these tasks in the essay, you will be able to increase your scoring potential in the end. Remember, 5 paragraphs will help you to increase your score and also increase all your scoring considerations across all the criteria.

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