Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 2

Expository essay - My opinion on cell phones

tsubaki016 1 / -  
Dec 13, 2011   #1

This is my essay from the English composition class. The teacher asks us to write expository. I don't know if I express
what I thought appropriately. Or do I need to add something to develop my essay? (Of course, the grammatical errors like
the usage of "the" etc.)

I admit that there's space for improvement. But, I tried really hard to write over 300 words. It took me great deal of time.
I would be very appreciate that someone suggest me how to make the article lengthy.(especially in a test) Please feel free
to inform me what I should notice or improve.

In modern society, cell phones have become an integral part of our daily lives. It is increasingly rare to find someone who doesn't have one.

According to Wireless Intelligence, nearly 73% people possess cell phones over the world. As far as I am concerned, there are three main
features. First, people replace heavy telephones with portable cell phones because of convenience. Also, cell phones are even lighter these
days. You can contact with a person everywhere instead of waiting in a long line outside public telephone booth. Next, as technology advancing,
the entertainment on cell phones would no longer be just boring, easy games such as Doodle Snake. More interesting, exciting games like Angry Birds
are added to cell phones. With Internet connection, it's pretty convenient to browse the websites such as Facebook or Twitter. Also, sharing music
and movies are available through cell phones. Just press one button, you can connect with the whole world. Most important of all, cell phones are

very useful for emergencies. Take some examples. The devastating typhoon, hit the mountainous area in 1998, destroyed Hualien greatly. The rescue
team saved a woman successfully because of the signal from her cell phone. In addition, the Norwegian massacre happened in July this year. There
was a 15-year-old girl, hiding behind the rock, texted 46 messages from her cell phone. The action helped her calm down and let her parents know

she's alive. Also, a built-in software called CPR&Choking in iphone show how to solve the problems when there was someone injuring. Either of the

examples shows that cell phones do work in case of emergency. Indeed, we cannot live without cell phones nowadays. The gadgets bring a lot of

convenience to our society. As more functions are added to cell phones, we'll surely benefit even more.

Jennyflower81 - / 690 96  
Dec 13, 2011   #2
Hi, I can help you with a few things:

As far as I am concerned, there are three main features. "features" is not the right word here. You are trying to say there are three main reason that people choose to purchase and use a cell phone.

You can make contact with a person anywhere instead of waiting in a long line outside public telephone booth. This sounds a little funny to me, probably because in America, there are never lines at a phone booth! LOL Hardly anybody uses them anymore.

Next, as technology advances , the entertainment on cell phones isno longer boring , like easy games such as Doodle Snake. I fixed the grammar, but it is unclear whether your example of a game is a boring one, or a new innovative game.

You have many good points in your essay, and you make some very specific examples. If you need to lengthen it, think of a few more scenerios where a cell phone would be useful/needed. You are doing great, just work on your grammar a bit more.

Home / Writing Feedback / Expository essay - My opinion on cell phones