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Extended writting about the life of a child in the industrial revolution


9Breaker 1 / 1  
Aug 18, 2012   #1
these are the instructions given by our teacher:
"Write an extended written piece reflecting on what life would have been like for a person of your age during the agricultural revolution. This could be written as a diary entry or memoir." (200-300 words)

over the past few years life for me and my family has changed . there's been a lot of people settling in our area . i think this change is for the better because i've met so many new friends . A lot of them have told me that there are bigger towns out there , where i once thought was just more farm land . My father says that the demand of the towns are the reason why our farming has changed so much .

it feels like almost yesterday when i and my father used to do all the ploughing in the field by hand . my father has invested a lot in machinery ,which makes life on the farm a whole lot easier for us . he believes that we will acquire more machines like this in future, but the thought of this makes me wonder what will be left for us to do .

machinery isn't the only thing that's changed . we've adopted a lot of new farming methods that have reduced our fallow land and increased our arable land .one of which is planting turnips in rows so that they could be hoed to remove weeds while they were still growing.

sometimes i wish i could go back to the simple days when life was slow paced and we didn't have to farm in such large numbers .


i need some suggestion to improve the grammar in my text .

ah_zafari [Contributor] 40 / 672 148  
Aug 18, 2012   #2
over the past few years life for me and my family has changed . there has been a lot of people settling in our area (What do you mean? You should link the changes to the increase in the population) . I think this change is for the betterment because I have (do not use contractions) met so many new friends (What is the relationship between the change and new friends? It is too vague) . A lotMost of them have told me that there are bigger townscities out there , where I once thought was just more farm land (Revise the sentence. It is hard to understand) . My father says that the demand of the towns are the reason why our farming has changed so much (Is farming changed positively or negatively? What types of changes? Is that a technological change? Add more details.) .

I think you should start the essay with an statement about the industrial revolution because u did not mention what kind of change has occurred. If I were you, I would open my essay with an interesting event or story, which shows how industrial revolution changed my life.
OP 9Breaker 1 / 1  
Aug 18, 2012   #3
thanks for the help .I couldn't find a way to rephrase that sentence . i also cant change the overall text because i've got other work to do .


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